Thank you guys for the advice. I needed to hear it. My H sat down on the couch with me while I was watching tv and it hit me. I ended up walking upstairs and he followed me after a minute and asked me if I was coming back down. I told him that he cant keep having it both ways, he says he wants a divorce then gets ahold of me and talking to me like I'm his wife, and that he sits near me and kisses me sometimes like I'm his wife. I told him that I'm here and if he wants to work on our marriage then I am more then happy to do that but if hes going to keep saying he wants a divorce and telling others that and looking for OW then he just cant have it both ways. All he said was that he understands and he will leave me to it. I'm honestly in tears right now, its been a month since this all started and ive backed off but its the first time I really said anything like that to him. And I went into it knowing he wasnt going to say anything like "lets work on our marraige" or anything like that but it still hurt like hell when he just said he understood and walked away. It was so hard and I know that now it just gets harder as I have to stop being near him. But I want to save my marriage so I'm going to do my best to focus on GAL and not on my marriage
Artemis, sorry you are struggling. DBing is very counter-intuitive, but I truly believe it gives you the best chance at saving your marriage. The problem is that it feels like you are doing the opposite of what you should be doing.
I've been through two situations in my own MR. In the first one I spent the first 2 months doing things the old way. I wrote her long messages. I sent her songs that were special to us both. I went overboard on showing affection. I focused all of my energy on her. I became Super Mr. Mom and did all of the housework. I said "I love you" to her about 120 times a day.
And after 2 months, she was further away from working on the MR than she was on the day I discovered her EA, and confronted her.
Then I found DB by MWD. And I backed off. I let her go. I started moving forward. I reversed all of the behaviors above. I started GAL. I started working on becoming the best version of me....FOR ME!! And I detached my emotions and reactions from her words and actions. And within days she was pursuing me!
12 years later, sitch #2 reared its ugly head, and almost immediately I started DBing. This time she was sure she wanted a D. It took weeks but eventually my backing off, giving her space, etc, caused her to question her decision to D, and she started coming around, slowly at first, to the idea of reconciling.
DB isn't a quick fix. It won't prevent your D overnight. It may not prevent the D at all. IN fact, DBing sometimes requires the WAS to go through with the D and then later realize they made a mistake. But the point is that DBing is going to let you move forward healthy and happy.....and it may eventually cause him to start questioning if D is what he really wanted or not.
Hang in there, it does get easier!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
