Been here before. MLC? WAS? Not sure

[SteveLW]

I tried DB principals... validating, etc not always successfully. But it did seem to have a positive effect.


So my question is, what do I do now? Is it simply a matter of focusing on detachment again? What do I say or do when he brings up reconciling? I am pretty sure he will based on his behaviour of the last few months.

You answered your own question:

I tried DB principals... validating, etc not always successfully. But it did seem to have a positive effect.


So my question is, what do I do now? Is it simply a matter of focusing on detachment again? What do I say or do when he brings up reconciling? I am pretty sure he will based on his behaviour of the last few months.

As far as if he brings up reconciliation, you have what YOU require for that to happen.

Him: I am considering reconciliation.
You: In that case I have a list of requirements.
Him: Requirements?
You: Yes, things that will be necessary in order for me to be open to reconciling.
Him: What are they?
You: 1) Full transparency. We have each other's passwords to all social media, cellphones, email addresses, etc.
2) You get into IC and work through whatever issues are causing you to want out.
3) After 2 months, we also start MC together.
4) If you agree to these we are full in, no one week "I think I want to R" and then the next "I don't think it will work". If we do this we are all in, and if you start to hedge I pull the plug and we moved towards separation and D.

Michka, he is banking on you NOT wanting a D. When he realizes that you now have requirements or YOU will walk away it will really make him decide whether or not he wants to R or not. If he is using R to keep you as Plan B, it will become immediately apparent (he won't agree to the requirements). If he is serious about Ring he will be willing to move mountains to do so.

Steve,

I just wanted to compare your take on reconciliation to my own and offer a slightly different, but still similar perspective.

I got to the point in my situation where I was too tired of everything to try to bother and track and look through phones and social media. I knew what it would feel like if there was cheating and I knew what it was like if there wasn't. I would rephrase it like "I need your commitment to ensuring that I won't feel distrust". It's going to take an effort to rebuild and if you don't have that energy then I will continue on my path.

Great point! And I think we all get there. I did the same in my reconciliation. However, initially that full transparency is a must to rebuilding that trust.

Remember, about a year and a half after my reconciliation I did check her email and found a guy was emailing her. For her part, she wasn't really engaging back with him. But he was smothering her with compliments. etc. I told her at the time exactly what you just state: I didn't have the energy nor the desire to have to keep tabs on her. And that I had no desire to remain with someone that I couldn't trust. So she could choose me or getting compliments from strangers on the internet. She chose the former and since that time (nearly 2 years later) she has fallen over herself to make sure I can trust her.

Great point, ovr.