Originally Posted by Artemis1
It didn't contain a question, and I had responded before i read this. I'm still trying to read through and figure out exactly how to react. I'm backing off and not giving him as much information about my life, being more myseterious, going out with friends etc. The reason I wasn't sure about the flirting was in DR in the Infedelity section where it talks about when they wont give up the Affair and doing the LRT, It says to find out what your S is getting from the OW such as boosting their ego, really listening to what they have to say, etc. and that you want to give them whatever it is they are getting from the OW. So that's why Im Not sure as to if I should flirt. I know for my H it's the excitment and I believe the getting his ego boosted. I believe he likes talking to people that don't know his faults, when he looks at me he feels guilt over having cheated on me and with them he doesn't feel that way.
So I feel there is some conflicting information here, people say don't flirt etc, but in the book when it discusses the OW it says to find out what your H is getting from the OW and then give it to them, such as being positive in the presence etc. Thats where my confusion lies...



MWD does make that suggestion. But she also says you need to back off and give space. The second suggestion doesn't go away for the last one. DBing principles are hierarchical. We also see a lot of LBSs that try to use a suggestion like "find out what your WAS' AP is providing and try to give that to them" as an excuse to do something they want.

For instance, sex is something that an AP gives to the WAS. However, sex is NOT something you should be engaging in with a cheating WAS!! Do not use a simple suggestion as an excuse to break core DBing principles.

I know this is all confusing, but the other thing flirting does is keep the focus on him, when you should be removing the focus from him and focusing on yourself! Giving him time and space, GAL. 180s (self-improvements), and detachment are paramount to anything else at this point. You flirting with him has a minimal chance of ever getting him back. Doing that which is counter-intuitive has a much better chance of getting him back. Read the pursuit-distance dynamic as to why backing off has a higher success rate than chasing does.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018