Detachment is the hardest thing to achieve in DB land and it can take months/years. Some people never obtain full detachment. Moving away and not having kids with her will certainly help. Smiles I thought my life was over when my family was being torn apart. I was never more wrong. It has its challenges for sure but I have like zero stress in my life now. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes “Life is all about how you handle plan B”.
She's certainly had a head start on that one then, as you and others, have said. So I'm not going mad wondering why I can't detach then? I know that I can't meet up with her anymore as it takes me right back to square one again, especially now that she has made a statement that she has traded up and left her little pathetic mess of a husband behind. How to handle Plan B presupposes that I have a Plan B, I haven't, so there's the place to start.
I am currently really worrying about this legal stuff and my pension money. At the start of all this when I didn't have any money and I needed to employ a lawyer and I wouldn't know if I was liable to state assistance (they told me 6 weeks, which it was), I felt that I had no other choice and felt coerced and pressured, which put me in a position, by my stbxw's actions to withdrawing access to money by leaving and refusing to pay maintenance payments, where I panicked, couldn't think straight and decided that the only option was to cash in one of my pensions.
The small one that she had already started off requesting the lump sum was to take up to 3 months to come through they said, which wouldn't have left enough time for me to pay my legal fees, rent a house (need to pay a year or 6 months rent up-front) as I can't prove regular income, before I needed to be out of here at the end of August. So in full panic mode, I triggered a lump sum payment of my next larger one. I was debating a draw-down plan where they take your money out and reinvest it elsewhere which then enables a draw-down feature where you can leave most of it in and then take amounts out as you require. I should have done this, but this also takes a few months. Requesting a lump sum payment takes 10 days, so I requested that one. I ummed and arrrgh'd few a few days, then committed.
So now I'm this stage where I now have a lump sum in my other bank account that I opened specifically for this. I have also paid my lawyer out of this account. What's more, the one that was supposed to take up to 3 months has also been paid in, so that's a double-whammy! I now have a bit too much and I had the idea that once I pay my lawyer, removals, deposit & 1 year rent at a new place, that I would speak with a Financial Advisor as see what options I have to re-invest the money for retirement, so that I don't lose out further down the road.
I also now have clicked that it was almost certainly my stbxw's intention to cash in all my pensions into this new "joint" account she set up, before she actually left me - it would only be a couple of more months. But during the conversation we had the weekend before she left where I mentioned that it seemed that she held her work as a greater priority to us and our relationship, I also mentioned it was like she was having an affair (with work I meant). I think this is when she thought I was on to her and it short-circuited her plans - hence the urgent need for a last minute week off work and the need to quickly leave me the following weekend. If I hadn't of "picked up" on something that weekend and raised it as an issue, then I truly believe she would have had all of the money, just like she had all of my dental claim money too.
The reason I have this problem is because the next stage of the legal process next week is Full Financial Disclosure. I am hoping that because this money from my pension has been paid out, that it won't be put against me for her paying interim maintenance, simply because:
1) It was money from my pension that was paid in to many,many years before we met 2) I was put into a position where I needed access to money quickly (as she had withdrawn hers) and I needed to move 3) because I couldn't stop the payment and I was going to re-invest after moving costs via a financial advisor to build growth for my retirement - just as it should have been.
I have never been dishonest, so I think the best policy is to hold the conversation. This entire thing has turned in to a bit of a mess in this regard, all because I needed some money to pay for immediate needs and services and the pressure of making a decision.
Does all that sound stupid?
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
