Advice Help Only Please

[may22]

Hi Artemis,

I just want to reinforce what you're hearing from others, You have amazing advice on this thread. Read it over and over until it sinks in. Especially Wayfarer and AnotherStander.

I had a very hard time with boundaries too. People here pushed me on it a ton and I found it very difficult as well until I sloooooowly started to figure it out. (For me, the line between drawing a boundary to protect myself and stating a condition that was actually trying to control my H's behavior was a difficult one for me to parse.)

Accepting the truth of your situation is also incredibly hard, but so necessary. You won't get anywhere until you do. It is possible to both hold the truths of the value you have for your M, the love for your H, and your hope for the future ALONGSIDE the truth of-- that M is dead. You H wants a D. That's okay. It svcks and is horribly painful, but it is the truth and it is okay. You'll be okay. You don't need to let go of your own values, your hope, the love in your heart. You have to accept, though, that he doesn't want that right now, and nothing that you say or do will force him back towards you. The more you do along those lines, the further you'll push him away. You have to drop the rope and focus on yourself in order for there to be a chance of him coming back.

I agree with WF that you need to read more. DEFINITELY read her thread-- it is gold. Read up on the pursuer-distancer dynamic. Read up on boundaries. Get out and GAL-- that is one thing that will probably really help you to stop spinning and take the focus off of your H for awhile and get it back on you.

Regarding boundaries, one other thing I'll share with you from my own sitch was that I was adamant that if we Ded we would NOT BE FRIENDS. A friend doesn't lie to you, cheat on you, betray you, and leave your family. To me there is an enormous difference between a fight between friends and a cheating, lying H that wants out. If he goes-- don't let the door hit you on the way out. I said I'd be a cordial co-parent but we would never be friends again. Which was hard because like you I considered my H to be my best friend. (This is all still hurtful for me, btw, so know that even if you do recon you have to get through all these feelings and facts that the person who was supposed to be your rock stabbed you in the back.) But I say this because I know it had a major impact on my H. I believe to this day that if I'd said sure, of course we'll still be friends, I love you no matter what, he would have left. Him leaving was my bright line that I never ever wavered on, even as some of the other things I had always thought would be deal breakers turned out differently. You have to take a good hard look at yourself, your own values, and figure out where your boundaries are. They will be different for every person. Everyone here posting has a different line that cannot be crossed. What is that for you?

Finally, and this is a note from a post on your other thread... I strongly, strongly recommend NOT wearing the same dress you wore on your first date. You will show him from the second he sees you that you are trying really hard (maybe too hard) and that he doesn't need to do anything to keep you. Wear something else that you love-- I'm sure you have other outfits that are hot without having all that baggage tied to them. Or buy something new. Just don't tell him with your clothing that you are his for the taking. Be cool and noncommittal and take all the great advice on your other thread of how to act... just don't wear that dress.

Hang in there! You got this~ M