I gave you the link to my thread. I really, really think you should go read it. I was raising my H's daughter while he was having an active affair in our home. He was also my best friend prior to the A. He believed I was his best friend. He wanted to be friends after he left me for another woman. I wasn't wiling to give him that. I asked him to tell me where he was going so I could come up with a suitable lie for our children while we live in an IHS. He agreed to this and then never followed through. Eventually I gave up and said IDK until I couldn't any more and then would say where do you think he is. People in this state of mind could give 2 sh!ts about your boundaries or requests. They don't care. You can keep saying all you want about how he loves you and he's your best friend. But if he cared about your boundaries He wouldn't have had multiple EAs and have one currently while stringing you along. You can live in denial all you want. He doesn't respect you or he's never respected your relationship. It's one or the other. Neither of those things means you can't stand for your marriage. Nor does it mean there's nothing in the marriage worth saving. But it is the reality of the situation whether you want to face it or not.
I'm not hung up on respect. A lot of people here are hung up on respect. Respect is completely subjective and if all of us demanded the utmost respect from our partners at all times and they of us literally no one would be in a relationship. So if you want to stand here with or without respect from your H it makes no difference in my opinion. Where the difference lies is self respect. Listen, this guy I'm sure has some admirable qualities. And I'm sure for your son you would like what ever is about to happen to be as amiable as possible. I respect that too. But we are asking you questions and saying things, and you just keep saying the same thing over again as if it's a justification for letting him walk all over you.
So he wants the D and you want to save the marriage. What's your plan here? Being his friend while he leaves you? Are you going to help him pack his bags to live with another woman?
The biggest mistake I made when I first read DR is that as I was reading it I thought my MR was on the most hopeful end of savable. That we just needed to work on our MR a little bit. That I needed to change some habits and if he could agree to try in our MR and maybe get counseling everything would be ok. I was completely delusional. I was deeply in denial. He was already only steps away from his EA becoming a PA. Look I managed to recon. So once again I'm not telling you this is a hopeless situation but you really need to get on board with reality. Your H is a serial cheater. He has done this more than once with more than one woman correct? If that's true whether is be EA or PA it was an affair and if it happened more than twice it's serial. If your H wants a D you cannot nice him back. The kinder you are to him, the friendly you are to him the more he thinks his behavior is acceptable to you and he will keep stringing you along endless. Weeks, months, years, decades if you allow it. Why would he give you up when you allow him to have you as his best friend and what ever else he wants if he pushes hard enough or makes you feel loved enough AND he can still have other women as he pleases? I'm not saying don't be kind or considerate to the man you married, the man you're co-parenting with, your room mate. You should be. But you aren't his wife any more. He fired you as his wife. He does not want you as his wife any more and while you don't need to give up on him, you need to accept he's given up on you and your marriage.
I am probably one of the most pro-marriage people on this board and I'm telling you if you want to stand we're here for you but you have to start accepting what is actually happening in your life. You can't wave a wand and things will go back to the way the were when you thought you were happy. Nothing will be the same. Nothing was the same after the first 2 times he cheated. You just thought it was. If you pursue this path and you're successful you aren't returning to the MR you had. That marriage is dead. Honestly to your husband it was probably dead long before you even noticed. If you were to stick this out and things turned around you have to completely start over with your H. You would have to start an entirely new marriage one that carries the scars of his dalliances. Both of you have to carry that. You need to accept that if you're successful here the success hinges on your acceptance of a lot of things that you're not accepting right now.
Starting with your H is already out the door. And he will drag you along for the ride as long as you allow. He is going to hurt you more than you hurt now. He is going to say and do worse things than already have been said and done. And the entire time he will expect you to be waiting there for him to choose when to bestow some kindness on you like a kicked dog. It's the nature of these situation. I won't ever tell you that you should give up if you don't want to give up. But you need to accept sooner than later exactly what you're situation is and what you are going to have to put up with if you choose this road. It's not pretty. It's not fun. And it's not easy. There is no quick fix here. There's no magic bullet. There's no magic words. There's no grand gesture that will fix all this. It's a long and arduous process and if strangers on the internet are interpreting your situation the exact same way people in your real life are there's a good chance we're right and you are in deep denial about what's going on here.
Look no body wants to feel like a fool. We've all had to get through that. How deeply we've lied to ourselves to convince ourselves things were fine. We're fine. Everything will be fine. This is just a bump in the road. No one wants to feel heartbroken or blindsided. But every single one of us felt that way. So you can dig your heels in here and say we're being mean and not helpful or you can help us understand your situation better. You have to give us more information to work with, and you need to start accepting that it is possible that everyone around you can see things in your relationship that you can't. Love gives us blinders. It's a thing. There's no shame in it. You also need to not be having R conversations for the sake of having an R conversation. We're not going to tell you what to bring up because we know so little about what's happening there's nothing of use for us to say. And there's no conversation to have. H wants a D ok fine. He should feel free to start that process. It needn't involve you. He can have you served and then you can work on there. If not it's just a declaration. It's just words. But that also doesn't mean he's all in the marriage either like you are and you need to accept and understand that. He may tell you your his best friend and he doesn't want to lose you but what that means to him and what that means to you are two very, very different things.
Most people who post lurk for weeks or months in a couple of cases years before they start posting. They understand the general motion of these things. They understand how the boards work. They kind of get used to the personalities. They get used to the short hand lingo. You kind of jumped in head first. Read more. Please read more. Stop actively trying to talk or think your H back into the MR for like 5 minutes and just read through what some people have gone through. Things they had to do or learn. No your situation isn't exactly the same as any one else's. But there's common themes, actions, reactions. They mean something. Every newbie thinks their situation is completely unique and no one has ever had anything like this happen before ever in the way it is happening and it's simply not true. While you are unique people and your marriage isn't identical to any one else's what is happening in your marriage isn't unique. So right now in the beginning isn't the time to be digging in about how different you are as a couple. That comes much later. For now just read and learn. Slow down. Try to understand yourself, your situation, and the place you came to for help.
