Advice Help Only Please

[BL42]

Artemis1,

Sorry you're here. We've all been in similar situations and can empathize with you. I'm not the most experienced person on the board, but I'll weigh in...

Okay so I got Divorce Remedy about 2 weeks ago. And I really have needed to share my story amd talk to others who get this. My friends and family just want me to let go and I cant tell them about this as they would never understand.

Only you can decide what is right for you - don't let your friends and family (or us) determine how you live your life. That said...

So first I'll start by saying that my husband and I have been together for 4 and a half years. Married for a year and a half now. My husband has cheated on me all of 3 times now.

He's cheated on you with 3 different women in just 4 and a half years??? That's a MAJOR concern, and will likely continue to be a pattern going forward even if you reconcile. Are you ready to deal with that for the rest of your life?

One was a year into our relationship he talked to a OW for 2 days then told her he was in a relationship and ended it. So it was short but it really shook me as ive been cheated on before alot.

You've been cheated on a lot in previous relationships? Have you considered why that is? Do you respect yourself and set boundaries?

basically yelled and flipped out on me about still being there and told me "its like your just here to spy on me"

Perhaps he was projecting? Cheaters often blame the other person for their bad behavior.

That's the event before he came home and told me he thought we should seperate for awhile. We decided to make a time to decide our rules for it. He said he only wanted 2 weeks, etc. And that the time was for us to get space and was NOT for talking to other people. Well it never happened as the first day of the separation I found out he had made a Tinder and confronted him.

Seems like almost always when people want to separate there's already another person, or they're jonesing for one - more often than not it's not just to "think things through" or "work on themselves" as they like to say.

He wouldnt ever really talk to me about it specfically and just said he was done. Said he wanted a divorce. That was about 3 weeks ago. Since then we have slept in the same bed, cuddled, even have had sex a few times. He invited me to a family dinner and talked about our future to people so I thought maybe the divorce was out of anger and we were okay. He even drank a bit and said dinner and after told me that "I make him so happy and that I was beautiful and we were going to work on my future now" (Little backstory my husband did 6 months for basic and AIT and I had to put my career on hold for helping him through that and until he got the police job he wanted). Anyways so the a few days later we had a relationship talk and he said he wants to start talking to a lawyer. And I was completely shocked, I had thought we were good, I tried bringing up the night he told me those things but he just said "he doesnt remember them" so basically that he doesn't recognize that he said those things. My husband is a pessimist (tells me that himself) so he has been rewriting our marriage alot lately yo make it seems bad. Anyways I of course pleaded with him yo give us longer, to consider separation and he wouldn't even discuss them. For the last week or 2 he has worked constantly so we havent talked much more about anything. I havent even gotten yo talk to him about why he wants a divorce and what problems he feels we have.

You have sex and cuddle with a man who is having affairs and tells you he wants to divorce? Time to cut that out, imo. Sounds like he's using you and enjoying playing the field at the same time. It's extremely difficult - I completely get it - but you need to stand up and start respecting yourself. Stop pleading, start working on yourself and moving away from him.

Also I found out about a week ago he had sex with another woman who he hasnt talked to since she found out he was married. When I confronted him about it I was hurt and mad, he immediately got his keys and wallet and drove to his moms, he wouldnt talk to me at all about. The one questions I asked him was "Are you sure about the divorce because your not in love with me anymore or because you dont think I'll ever forgive you for this? And he said "a bit of both" which I replied "so you dont love me? And he said "I do love you. And drove off Now we were technically separated I guess since he said hes 100% sure about divorce. But during this time we were in the same bed and having sex still. Now obviously I am hurt to my core about all of this but since then I havent brought it up. I decided for myself to forgive him and let I go, at least for noe. Now I know he has a Tinder and has been talking to other people I'm sure.

Unfortunately no surprise he slept with someone else. He's giving you a clear message he does not respect you and is not prioritizing you. He's slept with another woman and is pursuing more right in your face, and asking for divorce. Harsh, but true. Step up and protect yourself.

Tad bit about my husband, I am 27, he is 24. I was his first kiss and everything. He was homeschooled and very sheltered by his very controlling mother. I do not complain about mothers ever and I have always encouraged their relationship. She even watches my 7 year old son.

27 is very young in the scheme of things. You'll be alright. I assume you're 7yo son is not his, based on the length of your relationship? Do you have any children together?

But she is the most judgmental people I know. She has 4 sons. My husband is then only one that even talks to her. As in like years and years. She hates anyone her son's date as she wants them to be all about her. So for our entire relationship she has bad mouthed me, even when she didny know me to him and he has always ignored her. But as we know hearing someone say things loudly over and over for years things can seep in.

I vastly underestimated the extent to which my Ex-W's parental history would play into our marriage. Both her parents were married 3 times. Her mom had an affair on her dad and split up the family when she was a teen. HUGE red flag I overlooked. If his mom is talking down about you to him, that's a big flag.

I truly believe my husband was considering trying for our marriage right before I confronted him about the OW he had sex with, but after that he stayed at his moms and I believe in the state he was in her words resonnated in him now. Since then he has told me he wants a divorce and he wants us to get a lawyer. That's the only discussion we have had on the subject which was about a week ago I'd say.

I don't buy it. He was having affairs and asking for divorce - your confrontation maybe didn't help but wasn't the deciding factor. No one thing you say would change his mind. However, avoid these things in the future. Mistakes happen...you can only control what you do going forward.

Now I have decided I am going to DB to the very end. Its been hard but I have kept my faith. Today it is starting to waiver. Though we have still been in the bed my husband has started to kiss me less and has said "we need to stop sleeping together, it confuses things"

Good! Stand up for yourself! Don't let him use you. If nothing else, he'll respect you more.

he's never seen a good marriage before.

Big red flag, in retrospect. My Ex-W was modeled to cheat and divorce. Even if she said she didn't want to be like that, her past is a MAJOR influence that kicks in. Same for your husband, possibly.

Anyways this is my story thus far, I know its alot and I apologize, I hope some will read this as I really need help, I wanted to give alot of info as to give a rounded story of us.

Don't apologize. It's good you're reaching out for support.

Should I be having sex and sleeping with him? There's not much in the book on this, especially since he's talking to other women. But I'm conflicted, sex gives intimacy and cuddling does to so part of me feels like I should keep doing these things as he allows to have our intimacy still there. But alot of methods say to detach and not pursue etc. So I'm worried that maybe I shouldnt be giving him these things. Just not sure what the best course of action is for my situation. Help!

I wouldn't if I were you. He's probably getting kicks about being able to have sex with multiple woman. Make sure he knows he has to choose between you and the others. But that's just my opinion. This might be a debated point.

Artemis1 - I'm concerned when you say you've been cheated on a lot in the past, and your husband has cheated on you 3 times in 4.5 years. Do you respect yourself? How is your self-esteem? It's very difficult because you're in shock and scared and want something that unfortunately is not entirely in your control, but it's important to stand up and act strong right now so your H respects you, as opposed to weak and scared. Act as if you love life and will be completely fine without him. What you'll hear a lot on here is working on yourself (physically, mentally, spiritually...etc.). The one thing you can control is how you act and how you improve yourself. Work out, go out with friends, take trips. Do not pursue him or beg or plead. Work on improving yourself. Over time that will make you stronger, more confident, and more attractive to your H (and others).