So what I had wanted to post about is that this past weekend H and I got in a big blow up. I had mentioned before that DIY stuff got under H's skin and would usually result in him being in a bad mood and taking it out on us. However he's since gotten better at that. Cleaning or any real care task outside of cooking put him in the exact same disposition. If we deep clean as a family let's say in Spring or right before the holidays he's psychotic. Like literally crazy. He starts screaming at the girls because they aren't moving fast enough for his taste or they aren't working hard enough for his taste. He will literally grab handfuls of papers and just shove them in a garbage bag without even so much as glancing at what he's tossing. He will just throw anything away if it feels like clutter to him in that moment. I've seen him donate like an entire season's wardrobe because he was in this whole like household duties hulk mode. And then on the other side of this he wants to know where things are or why he can't find them. Like he rage cleans but he's raging because he's cleaning. I put up with this for a little while when we first moved in together but after losing like hours of time and helping hands because he'd have both girls sobbing I stopped asking him to help. Just completely. I would actually arrange serious cleaning around when he wasn't home so he wouldn't feel compelled to get involved. Even if he's in the house and I've asked him to do absolutely nothing because he gets like this. But I've made accommodations. I've worked through it and it's honestly easier for everyone in the house if I just do it with the girls help. And sometimes it's easier to just do it alone entirely.
Now I had planned on hiring someone to clean our old place but as it took us longer and longer to get out of the old place due to the crazy hot weather and no a/c. We ended up getting to the line and after a bunch of calls there weren't a lot of people available especially with the holiday. And those who were were asking like way more than I was willing to pay since I sort of had the time. I made a plan to get it done in 2 weekends. I was basically on track for that but H decided he wanted to help so we could speed the process up. I was particularly hesitant to allow him to help given his lovely track record. And as expected he did exactly what I thought he was going to do.
D18 got to the old place first finishing out her closet and her storage tubs in the basement. She was there more than 2 hours before H had gotten there. I got there only maybe 30-40 min after H did as I was coming from work. He was already in a mood the second I got in. Now typically when H "helps" I once upon a time would tell him he was doing a bad job and to please do a better one. I wouldn't say it like that but that was the gist. Probably something along the lines of "Hey babe you missed dusting the top of the book cases and the ceiling fan. I left the pillow case for the ceiling fan on the counter for you. Can you just get to those before we wrap up? Thanks." And then I'd go scrub some grout with a toothbrush or deep clean the oven. Just something like that would cause him to pout like a child and be angry and not helpful. So then I would just leave it alone if it was a clean to just clean. I'd leave it and chalk it up to one step close to not trying to control everything. If we had guests coming I'd go back over what he did when he was out getting drinks or paper products or what ever I could send him out for. H rushes, H hates care tasks and household chores so he tries to get through them as quickly as possible without doing quality work. And I say this not as a micromanaging mom, but as a normal human person with eyes. The way he does household tasks is the way a middle school boy does them so they can be done and he can go play with his friends. It drives me absolutely up a wall. If he could clean like a child and remain jovial I probably wouldn't care. If he could clean like an adult and be a brooding monster I probably wouldn't care. But he does such an awful job and is such a bear to every one around him in the process it's miserable. It puts me in the position of doing 3x or 4x the work, my work, fixing his work, finishing the girls work, and emotionally supporting them once he's reamed them for no good reason.
The blowup happened because as I said earlier he behaved exactly as I expected him to. He was speed cleaning. Doing a half-a$$ job, got mad at my kid because she wasn't doing as much work as him in his opinion. Getting mad at me because I wasn't moving fast enough, and I wasn't yelling at D18 to do more work faster. I tried to ignore him. I made no comment about the job he was doing, but his fuming was starting to fill every room in the place. I just absolutely had enough and told him "Let's just be done." D18 was done with what I needed her to finish. He had taken the last of the boxes out. He had done a terrible job dusting and sweeping but he started the process and it would save me time in the end to just finish it up and mop the floors. It probably wouldn't take me more than a couple hours to do on my own the next day. I said that I was tired and hungry and I'd just finish up the next day. He kept pushing that no we should just finish it. Just one more hour and we'd be done. I'm thinking, yeah right I'll be here at 7am actually finishing. So I kept insisting that we just go home. I'm tired., I'm hungry, I'm hot. He finally snaps on me and starts yelling at me about why I'm dragging this out. This should've been done weeks ago. If it were him doing it, it would've been done weeks ago. What's wrong with me? What am I acting like this? I wanted to scream at him and said calmly "Today is the first day you've helped me over here since the big move. I work full time just like you. I would've been more than happy to let you do this yourself but we both know that wasn't going to happen. So here we are. I'm not dragging it out. I just want it done right. She already gave us the deposit back. I don't want to end up in small claims. I'm coming back tomorrow ...alone. Can we go now?" He finally willingly left with no further argument.
We had to take some furniture by his aunt who does refinishing. It was a mix of pieces that were left by the tenant before us that the landlady didn't want to deal with and a couple of our things that don't fit in the new house. On our way there I apologize for snapping and being b*tchy, but I threw a "but" in there. But I wouldn't have gotten like that if he could just be a normal person when we do household chores like everyone else on the planet. He sukks all the oxygen out of a room and it's too much. I can't focus. I can't be productive. And I can't ignore it forever. He then goes into a litany of reasons why he was like that, mostly because of me and D18 and D17 who wasn't even there. Which I said he sounds crazy because D17 wasn't involved. He started saying he gets like that because none of us have a sense of urgency. Why don't we just want to get things done like him? Why don't we do it the way he does it? We'd have been out of the old place, blah, blah blah. I don't get to be mad that he isn't helping "the right way" if I want his help. I can't be picking about needing help. Blah, blah, blah.
I told him 1) we aren't his co-workers he needs to stop acting like we are; no one is getting paid to do any of this and neither are pretty much any of the other families on the planet who do this and only a small minority have to deal with some one like him making it harder than it needs to be for everyone else, and at any time he can choose to not put us in that minority 2) still not his co-workers he gains absolutely nothing by micromanaging our time or tasks so why is he making his own life harder and everyone else's by doing so 3) if he appreciates how well the girls do things when it's just me maybe it's time to stop thinking his is the right way to do things 4) I do get to be mad that he doesn't help and be mad at the way he helps, I said I wasn't telling you how to sweep, I was telling you if you're going to sweep with smoke coming out of your ears I'd rather you not help at all.
He responded with well you can't tell me how to feel. I said yes actually I can when it's completely unreasonable. You can have your feelings and they can be valid but that doesn't make them reasonable or appropriate. He desperately wanted me to validate his feelings and I did multiple times. I said I understand exactly what you're saying. I can see how that would be frustrating. I know you don't want to do the work, but you can't say no one likes work, no one wants to do this and you just want to get it over with when you put in 60-70 hours some weeks because you want to. I know you're not getting paid for this and you're getting paid for that, but you need to understand contributing to the household is doing your part. Just like the girls. And as much as I'd like them to do things differently it's a waste of my time worrying about it. They understand it's the price you pay for a nice clean house to live in, so they do it, just as unhappily as you, but they don't make all of us pay for it. Can you see how this is frustrating for me? Can you see how making all of us as miserable as you are cleaning because we aren't doing it fast enough for you is you trying to control us not me trying to control you?
We had to go in this circle about 3 times before he got it. Like really got it. He did get there eventually. But this is one of the big pushes where I'm thinking OMG we need to get into marriage counseling. I can't constantly be doing this kind of emotional labor showing him he's acting more like an adolescent than the adolescents in the house. When we have these moments I know he's asking himself if he made the right choice because I'm not being particularly kind or serving to him. I know in these moments I'm also wondering if I made the right choice because I don't know that I can constantly lead the horse to water and then force the water down his throat because he just keeps staring at the water wondering where the water is. I do feel like he's all in. Even when we're fighting. I don't have that terrified feeling any more. I think it's helping me find my voice with him.
Prior to BD I'd just let this stuff happen, and happen, and happen until he did something that would tip the scales and I would absolutely go b@tsh!t crazy. Screaming kind of crazy. I would just swallow the crappy behavior until I couldn't any more and then respond with a super explosive reaction to something that seemed innocuous so I would look unhinged, and like I was controlling and manipulative. I decided I don't want to do that any more. That I will pick my battles because every little annoyance isn't worth a fight so I ether have to let it roll off my back or address it immediately. However, doing this is soooo uncomfortable for me. The strange thing is I have no problem confronting strangers for their bad behavior towards others. But with him I get a pit in my stomach thinking about it. Which is probably something I need to work out in IC.
Piecing is hard even when you take the A completely out of the equation. At the end of the day you're still 2 totally different people with totally different world views and FOOs. Marriage is hard work and I'll never understand people who think love is supposed to be easy.
