Something New

[may22]

I just have to pop in quickly to say that this:

When we started piecing my wife explained to me about my ego, pride, and how I couldn't be wrong and took over rooms and not always in a good way. I always had to get my point across, even if I was wrong.

You honestly sound a lot like my H, no offense intended. He would get very frustrated with the gossip, gripes, work stuff all of it. But had zero problem just completely unloading on me when he had things to complain about and expected me to actively listen.

This is exactly my H. The part about not being able to be wrong, taking over rooms, wanting me to listen to his day dump but getting super frustrated about mine... to a T. Both are are better now, especially the being supportive listening to my day parts, without trying to fix it for me.

I spent a lot of days, letting my W actions and her moods affect mines. I will get all moody when she was moody, and I would act all down, when she was down. I would catastrophize what her mood was. I was saying to myself, what's going on. It must be something. Than, I would go out my way to try and cheer her up. Then after a while, I just stop and left her in her moods, which she saw as punishing her. And, I was punishing her for her moods.

My H could've written this. He took all of my moods personally. He would actually tell people I would take my bad mood out on him when that truly wasn't happening. Like at all. If I'm in a crappy place emotionally I tend to kind of collapse into myself or have an incredible short fuse, but I avoid people at all costs when I'm like that because I don't want to snap or cry. This apparently was me taking my bad mood out on him.

My H also could have written this. He has said word for word what WF says above about me taking my bad moods out on him by just being quiet. If I'm quiet for an evening because I'm down about the A he'll get upset and says I'm being "horrible" to him and "ruining the night." In MC this past week he said my being quiet makes him catastrophize what's going on in my head. It is getting better, slowly. Instead of totally sinking into himself and getting upset, he'll generally try some non-verbal reassurance like a hug or squeezing my leg or arm. But if that doesn't solve it, he can still spiral down. I also recognize that I'm still looking for something more from him in these moments than I'm getting, and need to either be able to better communicate that to him or be more patient with myself and focus more on the present, rather than dwelling in the past. He wants to be able to focus on what we have now and building our relationship.

Anyway, I'll write more later, just wanted to say how familiar all of this was to me too!