Sometimes I feel like its me, and maybe it is. I hang on to the comment someone made that I had fought so hard for so long that it makes sense getting over this is hard. The ebb and flow of it is hard. And the unpredictability.
I'm not sure why but the last week or so I've been waking up with the divorce on my mind. I've also been dreaming about different aspects of the marriage. I had a dream about the guy she had her affair with. I know I've had dreams about her. Its like my mind is working against me even when I sleep. The last week I've been waking up with the divorce on my mind and honestly I've been really struggling hard to get out of bed. Also, my work involves helping families plan there futures so basically I talk to people who seem happy, about all the things I had wanted in life with my ex.
I think the combination of everything has me overwhelmed. Divorce negotiations look like they are on the bring of falling apart which would send us into litigation. Work is as stressful as ever with some significant things happening. I've probably taken off too much work to spend time with the kids when I have them, and this month they are gone to camp for a week and then on vacation with the Ex for a week and I'm struggling with the fact I won't see them.
A couple of weeks ago CWarrior used the term "catastrophizing", and maybe that's what I'm doing. Money has gotten tight, time has gotten tight, I'm just struggling with it all. I have a very full week of work and I have mediation tomorrow, which always hits me hard. On last Thursday I had a tough talk with my attorney.
I'm overwhelmed - and just came here to let it out somewhere. I miss the life I was working on. And I know its gone and I know I've got to focus on the things I can control, but right now I'm struggling - that's all.
