Something New

[joejoe1]

WF,

Emotions, emotions. When we started piecing my wife explained to me about my ego, pride, and how I couldn't be wrong and took over rooms and not always in a good way. I always had to get my point across, even if I was wrong. I didn't let her in, blah blah blah. Well, I had a hard time, letting her in after the A. Over the years, I have become more emotionally available. She talks and tells me literally everything. I use to get so annoyed and frustrated listening to all her girl gossip, gripes and complaints. And I would zone out of the conversations, when I wasn't annoyed. But I had to work on being an active listener. But before, I became a better listener, I had to tell my wife how I felt about talking about all that stuff, now, when she see's me zoning out are getting anxious, she doesn't get mad, she has found ways to bring me back in.

Also my W is very head strong, and likes to take charge, so we but heads a lot. I'm very head strong as well. We have had to learn how to compromise. She grew up watching her mom, cut the grass, be a referee, and a pastor/evangelist. And her dad did all the cooking. But, her dad is a retired SGM in the Army after 29 years of service and he was a cook. Her dad is very social and love doing things for people. So my W has this weird dynamic, about her, she likes making people happy, doing things for people and being social, but she fights me when I tell her to do something, she don't like men telling her how to feel and what to do. So she pushes back, when she thinks, I'm being to masculine. But, now she has actively work to catch herself when she's about to get upset about me just telling her to do something. We both fight the urges to push back, and that has been a huge growth in our relationship. The first few years of recon, we really struggled with this. Over the last year or so, we have done a lot better with relenting and lifting our foot out the sand of what we think our PERSPECTIVE is. And, after we smile and laugh and go on like normal.

God, this made me laugh. On most days, I'm very much in camp "I'm a catch you're a moron"....lol. It's the bad days that that insecurity creeps in. Sometimes totally out of no where. There are days where we feel disconnected and I start to wonder. There are days when he looks at me like I'm magic and I wonder any way. But I can't control anything here. His feelings, the long term outcome, if I've made a mistake wanting to keep the MR in tact. It's all totally out of my hands and I just focus on that I have to put the work in and what will be, will be.

I spent a lot of days, letting my W actions and her moods affect mines. I will get all moody when she was moody, and I would act all down, when she was down. I would catastrophize what her mood was. I was saying to myself, what's going on. It must be something. Than, I would go out my way to try and cheer her up. Then after a while, I just stop and left her in her moods, which she saw as punishing her. And, I was punishing her for her moods. But, over the last year, I have just been there in a none judgmental or emotional way. It took almost three years to get to the point of, she is human and has a right to be moody, upset, sad, and not be my fault. And understanding that she's her own person and has to work out some of her feelings and emotions on her own.

So now, if she's moody, I say, "is there anything I can do". If she says no, I sit next to her and just be there. Sometime she says, she just needs some time to deal with her emotions. So, I've made myself a safe place, and I'm still working to make myself safer, and my wife is also still working to make herself safer for me. But the most important part of being a safe place is communicating, when an action or comment, is making the other feel uncomfortable. It allows the other person to learn and grow in the relationship and for you. It took me a while to understand this, and maybe it will take your husband sometime as well.