At some point, she probably did love you - and respected you - and was attracted to you.
A lot of cheaters show Narsasistic or BPD traits - probably because they are selfish and broken.
But these questions ( and answers ) focus on her. - something that you have no control over.
Instead of books or videos, focus on moving forward - You are spending a lot of time posting on here - Can you not apply your time to getting a job. That would give you something postive to focus on.. I am making the assumption you are in the UK, due to some of the terms you have used - Loads of employees are now allowing staff to work from home - even if you got on some agencys books, its a good start - and positive.
I know its hard to stop the focus, when your world has crumbled.. But dwellings on would a, could a , should a will get you no where.. Focus on the stuff you are in control of - you !
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
