Picking Up the Pieces After WAW Goes Again

[smilie]

You are still focusing on your WW !!! Focus on you.

I know. Why can't I stop this thought track. It is so frustrating.

Agreed, focusing on her, and back to your WAW as a narcissist who never loved you narrative. Imagining our ex's are villains is common. I get the appeal. You can pretend you never lost anything.

I would like to point out here that I am really not imagining her as a villain. It's just that an awful lot of the behaviour traits point that way and I'm just trying to work out:

1) Whether she did really love me in the way that I thought she did for a lot of those years, or
2) If she was just pretending, just to keep me interested.

I'm not sure if you know how hard these two questions are hurting right now, badly deep. She had an affair before inside of a year of being married and wanted to set up home with OM but came back for whatever reason, months later. I didn't want to believe that she had an affair, so realising this now is hurting bad. Really bad.

For 10 years she has behaved in a way that convinced me that she loved me. She told me often enough. And now she had an affair yet again. So have these 10 years been fake? I don't know why we moved to be near her work if she had somebody else, that was the perfect time to move in with them if it was going on that long. But 16 short months later she's gone.

I'm being open here as best I can and it is really upsetting. These are the questions that plague my mind all the time and I know that I have to focus on me, which is what I am trying so hard to do. I just wish there was a book or a video that helped lead the way.

I know and appreciate that she stood by me through years of unemployment and that was due to a damn unfortunate illness and a bad employer and recession the previous time. She also held me back from earning an income over the past few years, in her own special way. Promising one thing and doing another, making me hang on for the right time. I knew I should have just done the things I wanted to do and it kills me having not done so. I stood by her for 7.5 years of her being seriously ill after a year of being together and she still has issues with that to this day. I didn't quit on us. I also didn't quit on us when she didn't show signs of wanting kids, something that she knew I wanted even before we got together.

I just wish she had spoken to me about stuff, but I think I was just there for her to 'be with' until somebody better came along, as she didn't want to be on her own. This takes me back to the 2 questions I was trying to answer. It's hard thinking that she saw me in this way and all our laughs and jokes right up to the day before she left, were just fake and pretend.

And for the record, for me at least, I have lost her in more than one way. I have lost the person I fell in love with and have been in love with all these years, without faltering. It's painful to think that it was all a lie.