Something New

[wayfarer]

My question to you is... do you think you've spent enough time focusing on how YOU were hurt in all of this? What you lost and what you're grieving? Maybe the opposite of what I needed to do-- you might need to actually pick those feelings back up and spend some time processing them? Can he play a role in helping to give you back that emotional safety you need around believing that you're Plan A and always, actually, were? I think you can ask him to help you in this as your H and your partner in life. you don't need to just shoulder this one too and figure out how to heal yourself on your own. There are probably things he can do or say when you have those feelings crop up, if you can be vulnerable with him and let him know, that can help you feel safe again.

I did spend a lot of time talking with my IC and my best friend about my pain in all of this. I've share with H too, that this wasn't easily overcome. And had my heart told me otherwise I probably would've walked away and never looked back, because no one deserves to be treated the way I was. Especially not for who I was in the MR. As you stated I always put me on the back burner to assure everyone's physical and emotional needs were met. Even to a detriment of myself. The waxing and waning insecurities seem to be a a common thread with piecing. It's not that he doesn't have any responsibility in assuring me, it's more so he isn't doing anything in particular to cause it. He's just living his life, he's still very remorseful and reassuring and because of that I don't feel it's his responsibility to fix it. It's just kind of getting out of my head and moving on. Sometimes he catches it and feels it even if I don't say anything, and he'll poke, but I don't want to or can't spill because we're doing something. My IC suggested that when I'm in a moment like that to just request a hug. That physical touch kind of just relaxes me and puts to bed the anger, fear, what have you. It's a way to help me get through it with out dumping on him.

For the baby question... I do think you need to talk about this with him at some point. You can't let this fester and I know know know how something just gets stuck in your mind, something that the A took from you, and this is a big enough thing that I don't think you just figure it out on your own. I was thinking you maybe don't have to deal with it right away, though. Have you read Unchien's thread lately? How he's been meditating through all of this and learned to just observe and acknowledge his feelings without the need to act upon them? I wonder if you can sit with the baby thing for a bit in that way without pressuring yourself to get over it yesterday. Because it svcks. Even if 99 percent of you intellectually knows you don't want another baby, that last percent that did can't let go of the fact that if your H had dealt with the issues going on in your lives a bit differently, that baby might be snoozing in the other room right now. (Or colicky screaming, if that helps. ) It's a big and valid loss even if you weren't sure about it.

So we did talk about the baby thing. In the middle of the A, obviously, and then again when we finally started talking about everything during recon. He apologized and understood where I was coming from. Assured me that in the forefront of his mind it wasn't a cause, but that he couldn't entirely rule out that maybe it was something in the recesses that he wasn't focusing on intentionally but the the thought was there. I think maybe the meditation and the sitting with these feelings for a while instead of pressuring myself to hurry up and move on is a really good suggestion. Giving myself permission to have a hang up over something illogical is a totally ok and not a completely unreasonable thing to do.

And finally on the MC... what if your H picked the person? What would it hurt him to go to one session and try it out? What if you guys spent a lot of the first session going over his fears and concerns so that the therapist can be extra sure he doesn't feel attacked? Maybe he'd be more comfortable with a male therapist-- would feel more on his side? IDK. It does seem like you guys would benefit from having some time with a trained third party.

I think this is the route were going to take when we we get there. Letting him pick, addressing his concerns, not focusing on the A out of the gate. Right now things are just kind of getting back to normal here. Also with the new house we are inundated and busy all the time. We are still unpacking. I just finally got the last of our stuff out of the old place and spent 3 days kicking myself for not hiring someone to do the move clean. We're both just running and running I don't know that either one of us has had much time to sit and think about ourselves much less in depth of moving forward in our MR. We had a big blow out this weekend which I'll update on later that's made it incredibly clear that we need to do something and I can't let him put this off forever. But every single extra dollar and minute are going into the house right now. When this calms I think it'll be a good time. We've been at this pretty much a year now. Not focusing on the A will be easy. I think a lot of his hang-up lies in that.

You always put everyone else first, you know, WF. You shoulder the entire burden. Just like you're letting your H pick up his end on the house DIY stuff, let him pick it up on the emotional side too. Don't just call it your hangup and deal with it on your own, or not bring up MC because he's being weird about it. At least, I offer you that as a possible path for consideration.

I always appreciate the reminder it's not my job to make everyone's life easier.