At the minute you are broken ( we have all been there ) - only you can decide how you want to move forward.
The first step is to sort yourself out - Health, Career, House, GAL etc - all without her.
Personally though, i think you have been given a gift of a new life. Your WW is a cheater - its who she is. If you suspect your illness is down to her actions and the anxiety its caused over the years, this is the perfect opertunity for you to become healthy.
All of what you say is true, I can see that logically and yes it is my emotions talking, as when I can think logically through the tirade of thoughts aimed squarely at self-destruction and pointless hope, I can see 'who' she is and exactly what happened last time - even though she said it didn't. She was prepared to lie to me to come back and promise to have counseling as she knew this would get her back in the door. She has continued this lie for 10 years and now she's done it again. She wasn't in love with me, never was and I don't even know why she wanted to get married if she wasn't committed, as less than one year after she wanted to have an affair. That's not love. She took the love I had for her and abused it - I see that.
Yes I am broken and man, do I feel that! I have gone from a self-confident, healthy, fit man, to some stupid person who wants this abuse to continue and who finds it hard to make a decision. Only a few years ago was I an IT Manager in charge of the running and operation of a legal firm. It seem like another lifetime.
So let's go for the sorting out then ... it's got to be done anyway. I really need to find a place to start....
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
