WAW Walks Away a Second Time

[smilie]

I can see everybody's point of view here and my opinion is swaying from one side to the other. It's just not like me to give in, but perhaps this time I should - 180 right?

You are still doing too much reflecting / thinking / trying to find answers IMO.

You said yourself that you are wondering if your illness was brought on by your WW's previous actions.

Yet you are still contemplaiting taking her back if she wanted to R ?

You "wanting her to decide to return" is what you want. You cannot control what she does.

Your comments are probably right that I am reflecting and still trying to find answers. I have been of strong opinion for a number of years that her leaving first time was a contributory factor in my condition coming on. I know it sounds pathetic and I'll probably be setting myself up again for the next time. I would just like to hear what she has to say. I also see it from the other side, that she will just be using me as the R with the OM didn't work out. This makes me look like a fool.

I sit very firmly ( and happily ) and the other side of that fence and believe its about saving yourself - To rise from the ashes and build yourself back up - Walk away with your head held high and with one thing you didn't have before - Knowledge.

This has got to be the key here "Saving Yourself". This has the be my focus so that I'm good either way and if it comes to walking away then my head will be held high, I just need more emotional strength I think.

She had an affair with me prior to leaving her boyfriend and left him in the same manner as she's left me now and 10 years previously (2011).

One of your intial posts about your WW having an affair with you speaks volumes - This is WHO she is !!!!

I hear you. But why does she keep doing this? Childhood trauma? Her father abandoning her when she was young? Repressed Sexual Assault? Who knows, but if she is willing to finally work at that.....but I know it's unlikely as she has never seen any of her behaviour as her responsibility and has never asked why. Instead, I am usually the scapegoat. She's 45 next month, perhaps it is just who she is and who she wants to be.

S one of my favorite quotes you need to read over and over and digest it. "you can ignore reality, but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality".

That is a good quote and applies very well here. Thanks.

These two posts are so on point. The only thing I would add is there seems to be some serious correlation to the left behind spouse not giving a rip anymore and moving on with their life and being super happy, focused and seriously living everyday to its fullest and the walk away spouse seeing this and wanting to come back. No promises or guarantees but it’s the best shot. And it can not be fake. They’ll see right through that.

Everybody's comments are spot on, seriously. It makes me wonder what I'm thinking sometimes, but the common theme is that I need to focus firmly on me and detach from the R with the W. I know this to be true and is a good thing to do whatever the outcome. My focus is now finding somewhere to live as I need to go from here by end of August and I have an entire house to pack up, find somewhere to be and move.

I can't see how she will see that I'm moving on as she sin't around. The only time she will see me in this weekend when she comes to collect her personal belongings.

That's unfortunate. Whether you have hope and want to save your marriage, or don't have hope and want to move on, GAL is one of the most effective things you can do. Yesterday I struggled a bit. My solution was to join a Meetup and I got in some exercise while meeting new acquaintances I may see again in the future. That was vastly more useful than sitting at home and being in my own head.

I have a couple of contacts here, but absolutely nobody wants to meet up during the week, just for an hour on a Sunday - and even then they don't turn up. I looked at meetups in the area, but this is such a small quiet place (population <8,000) there is nothing like that here. There's not even anything happening in the neighbouring towns. It's always been that way in this are and it is so frustrating.

My lack of haste in completing my divorce was because I was already free in practice and wanted to focus on my new life.

Good perspective that I didn't think about. However, it was her that requested it, so that's why I'm a bit confused.

Sometimes WAS's delay to have a Plan B, an insurance policy if OM don't work out. You say that's what you believe happened ten years ago, right? Don't read too much into this.

Yes, exactly that. My thinking let's me down sometimes.

If her Plan A crumbles again, and she returns to you as Plan B, how is that best for you? We know your STBXW doesn't want to be alone, hence the multiple exit affairs.

And I suppose that I will be non the wiser as to whether her relationship has crumbled, or she has decided that it isn't what she wanted after all.

An exit affair is a symptom of a marriage that was already dead. LBS focus on the AP and are surprised when OM1 is replaced with OM2 and OM3. I'd focus on the dead marriage. The red flag is you didn't know she was still unhappy, presumably because you weren't working for a decade. That points to a communication failure. WAS who are vocal about problems are more sympathetic.

It's been 7 years so not quite a decade yet! :-) The thing is, is that I was not under the impression that the marriage was dead. Everything was seriously OK apart from sex was a bit sporadic, but not non-existent. Communication failure on her part was what was brought up at counselling last time and as I have pointed out previously, she hasn't communicated anything being wrong AND hasn't behaved in such a way that anything was wrong. Obviously in her mind something was not right, but this then leads to the fact that she has been "acting" all this time and making me believe everything is fine. I know people say that there must have been something, but honestly, no there wasn't - not enough to notice anyway.


All of your comments has given me much food for thought. My priority is me and I must get somewhere to live as the lawyer said not to worry about it, but then there has been no response from the wife for negotiation.