WAW Walks Away a Second Time

[smilie]

Just a quick one. I have been struggling with GAL over the past few days as the stress seems so much that I can't stay in the house for long. However, I have been going out, talking to people as I can, reading and thinking. I revisited the infidelity section in DR (I have been reading another book also), re-read LRT and it hit me when MWD said "I'm asking you to remember who you really are." Tears just came out and I sat there in the park and sobbed. Yes, I'm a bloke and I sobbed like a little girl. I had forgotten the man I was and looking back to then, when we first met, I was different. I had totally forgotten who I was due to this wretched illness and the last time my wife left 10 years back. I felt then and I feel now, totally defeated, not just by my wife leaving, but by the hand that life has dealt me these last 7 years. Man did I sob!

I began thinking about my wife and how that situation with me, between us, had been the likely cause of her leaving again. Since she left I have had this strong feeling that she doesn't really want a divorce, I saw it in her and her current behaviour would indicate that also, as much as her not responding to my lawyers letters to progress divorce and not getting her lawyer to send the letter she said she would send (it's been over 4 weeks since she said she wanted one). My actions and words have indicated to her that I am willing to let her go and I have actioned that by getting my lawyer to send hers a letter requesting her intentions and sharing my intentions to file for divorce for Adultery. There was also other content such as repaying money that was taken, requesting interim spousal maintenance (alimony) payments, etc. So I have shown my hand as I told her when she left that if she decided not to come back then I would "give her what she wants". I meant that and it wasn't a threat and I will do that even if it kills me, of course I would. So that's a similar action to the Ultimatum.

Having said all that and preparing myself to let her go - and I still must - I feel that if she reaches out (which is a long shot I think, especially a second time), that I would be willing to consider reconciliation. Am I Stupid? Many other people say "file for divorce", but knowing her background and mine, I think she is hurting bad somehow and I know I have been as I have felt so guilty not being able to bring in an income for so long and I have felt guilty every single day since I have been ill, even though I am still working on developing income and I have been even before she left, but there was nothing to show of course as I was waiting.

But I took my vows seriously, through the good and the bad times, sickness and in health and I meant every word. I wrote my own alongside that also. I believe in love, reconciliation and forgiveness. I know that I can do that as I love her so dearly. It may not be enough I know and it hurts that she has chosen to leave me for good and in this horrible way, so why do I feel that she doesn't want this either?

I am so sorry for posting another post, but I know that some of you are positively working on your marriages. Yes it takes two, a lot of work and time, but surely if she wants to come back a second time, then there must be something worth saving between us, surely? Especially if she decides to return after all this.

Yes I have hope and I am not expecting and still preparing to move on (over 3 weeks NC now), but I feel that after what other people have said elsewhere and that she is a "serial cheat" has lied and deceived, it's deeper than that - for both of us. But I fear that I am disillusioned, hanging on to the relationship and wanting her to decide to return. I have this deep longing for a better relationship between us free of the baggage that got us here. She wasn't honest last time she came back, so we couldn't build it on strong foundations. Perhaps it is too late and I just need to detach fully, give up hope, say goodbye and move on, but this site is supposed to be focused around DB and saving marriages and resolving issues. Am I wrong? Am I grasping at straws?

This is what is preventing me from going forward and working harder at GAL, even though I am doing that as best I can, I can't stop the panic that turns me into a quivering wreck. Hypnotherapy session tonight, perhaps that can help.

Thank you for reading if you got this far. Your time and continued input if very much appreciated and I just wish I could get you all a bottle of wine to say thank you.