WAW Walks Away a Second Time

[smilie]

CWarrior:
Thank you so much sharing your experience. I really hate to think how much my questions and statements are bringing back emotions for everybody who are joining this conversation. I really respect yours and other people's knowledge here and it helps me makes sense of this awful situation. I just don't know why, if somebody wants out of the relationship, they can't just go and live on their own and break the relationship, but instead have to wait until a 'viable alternative' comes along and set up life immediately with them. This is what I would do as I would also need time for myself to recover and rebuild.

I just wish that I would have had an income to support myself. This is probably a big part of the issue, but I was setting up a business (seminars) just prior to worldwide lock-downs - no seminar allowed. I have also been throwing some other income ideas around over the past few months (that the wife also knew about), so once I've moved house (as it's rented) I can continue with those. But due to the urgency of needing to move within a few weeks - somewhere, somehow - that takes priority.

I've always taken the high-road stance in other areas of my life like this, but for some reason I have a hard issue doing this when it comes to my wife. But, now knowing that the relationship is over (and I truly think it is), it may be a little easier to take that road, especially if I can detach enough. I really wish that I didn't go to jelly in emotional situation like this, as otherwise I'm a pretty tough dude with other stuff! Somehow my wife makes me feel pathetic in these situations that she springs on me as an unannounced surprise.


LH19:
Yes I did understand what may be going on inside of her, but then I suppose I got frustrated and annoyed. I can confirm that she is an avoidant and prefers not to hold in-depth conversations and that she looks for happiness outside of herself - new dresses, compliments from me (and others), chatting to work colleagues - rather than finding happiness inside, even though she is aware of this stuff.

This time I think I will choose "Inspire". I think half of this issue since last time 10 years ago, is that I let it slowly destroy me over time. I have always felt that she wasn't telling me the truth when she promised that she wasn't having an affair last time, as things didn't add up. I decided I suppose, that I would pretend to believe her and it has always niggled at me. Three years back it came back really hard and I insisted that she take me to the house she told me she was living in that she said one of her clients rented out and was in between rental - furnished apparently. I never believed that story as houses around here aren't rented furnished. We drove over and amazingly she couldn't remember the road and then when she finally told me that it was that one, she couldn't remember the house she was living in. She knew that if she told me what house, that I would be banging on the door. Nothing made sense. The only time that everything made perfect sense, was if there was OM involved and then it all clicked into place perfectly. But I wouldn't listen to my logic and went with my emotions. So that's been an 11 year lie that the past 10 years has been built upon. So basically she had an affair inside of being married for just one year.

I am 99.5% certain that my neurological condition was a direct result of living with this and worrying for so long, that it made me ill - maybe from the internal battle raging inside of me. I have always come to that conclusion, because I knew how I felt for the 3 years afterwards and leading up to my violent vertigo attack that never went away and caused a whole host of symptoms that led to me having to give up my IT career.

She wanted me to take her back as the other relationship didn't work out, or she had changed her mind. I was her Plan B and somehow she knew that I was about to throw in the towel and tell her not to come back, I even told her this on the phone 9 months later when she (via her father) contacted me and wanted to talk. She said she wanted to come home and that she wanted counseling (which she initially refused). I told her then that I wasn't sure that I want her to come back. We spoke a couple of days later and I agreed she could. I don't know if I was a fool that time for wanting to get back together, not with that nagging doubt that I had and have always carried with me for 11 entire years.

As far as you're comments go about putting money on her hating hurting me, I know you're probably right but I can't think along these lines at the moment as she has knowingly gone out of her way to ensure that I am totally broke and prepared to see me homeless. She is also purposefully not responding to letters from my lawyer, it would appear. For some reason she either doesn't want to deal with it or is stalling, even though she said she wants it. I may have little option than to start divorce proceedings, as then the courts set the timescales and things need responding to. The reason why I haven't done so yet, is because she told me that she wanted us to be able to talk about things and settle things amicably with lest cost (aka So she can manipulate me into agreeing with what she wants).

I can't explain why I feel this, but I have never felt inside that she really wanted a divorce and still think she is holding out and keeping me as a Plan B just in case she changes her mind again. I think she's waited a bit too long now.

I really wouldn't think that the wife would want to put in the work in reconciling and I don't think I would believe her again if she said she wanted to. She didn't last time and when the counselor broke her arm (not my wife's!) and we couldn't see her for a few weeks, the wife convinced me that we were OK and that we didn't need to see her anymore. I think she was finding counseling uncomfortable and this was a good excuse for her to stop.

Once again, thank you so much for your continued conversation. It's really nice being able to throw stuff around, getting my head in the right place (as much of the time it isn't) and once again, thank you for sharing your experiences - I know it can't be easy.