Thank you so much for these posts. I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear you talk about the more difficult parts of your piecing and healing. That you still have anger and sadness rear their ugly heads, the doubts come sometimes, the worry about whether the MR was just the safe and comfortable path, not what he really wanted.
If we can make a space here on this board where it is okay to express the doubts and concerns without having a poster or two pile on and exacerbate those concerns, I think that would be so fabulous. Also, I share what you and JJ both mentioned about feeling like it wasn't totally okay to be posting about this stuff when others on the Newcomers board were in such crisis. So I'm really hoping we can all feel comfortable talking about the difficulties of piecing.
Anyway... I just wanted to share that I feel all those same things that you do. I'm getting better at dealing with it but I still think there are things we will need to heal together, not just heal on my own. And I guess I'd push you on that a little. you are so independent and have been helping me see and take my own responsibility for healing myself throughout this whole mess. But when it comes to your relationship with your H, there are things you're going to need to heal and work on together. I would put the baby issue in that category, and the Plan B discussion. In our MC session today, she really pushed us both to focus again on the relationship and supporting the connections between us, rather than things that either one of us is looking for individually. (We had said we wanted to spend the next few sessions on building before digging into the hard stuff.) I think I shared with you that last week she asked me to reframe the A into something that happened to our M, not to me... and it made me realize that in the beginning, I was seeing the A and his behavior as a threat to my children's well-being, but that the thing that would hurt them hadn't actually happened yet. I spent all my energy focused on saving the M with a primary focus on them. Then, as the fear for their well-being receded, I started to focus on what he had done to ME, the betrayal and the trust and all that, and I've still been sitting in that even as things have become better and better between us. Those feelings are still there, less painful than before, but I don't think they'll totally go away until I have more trust. But, being able to take the focus off of me and place it onto the M was actually kind of revolutionary for me as it has given me permission in a way to put those feelings on the side-- but I think you said you'd always kind of looked at it that way.
My question to you is... do you think you've spent enough time focusing on how YOU were hurt in all of this? What you lost and what you're grieving? Maybe the opposite of what I needed to do-- you might need to actually pick those feelings back up and spend some time processing them? Can he play a role in helping to give you back that emotional safety you need around believing that you're Plan A and always, actually, were? I think you can ask him to help you in this as your H and your partner in life. you don't need to just shoulder this one too and figure out how to heal yourself on your own. There are probably things he can do or say when you have those feelings crop up, if you can be vulnerable with him and let him know, that can help you feel safe again.
For the baby question... I do think you need to talk about this with him at some point. You can't let this fester and I know know know how something just gets stuck in your mind, something that the A took from you, and this is a big enough thing that I don't think you just figure it out on your own. I was thinking you maybe don't have to deal with it right away, though. Have you read Unchien's thread lately? How he's been meditating through all of this and learned to just observe and acknowledge his feelings without the need to act upon them? I wonder if you can sit with the baby thing for a bit in that way without pressuring yourself to get over it yesterday. Because it svcks. Even if 99 percent of you intellectually knows you don't want another baby, that last percent that did can't let go of the fact that if your H had dealt with the issues going on in your lives a bit differently, that baby might be snoozing in the other room right now. (Or colicky screaming, if that helps. ) It's a big and valid loss even if you weren't sure about it.
And finally on the MC... what if your H picked the person? What would it hurt him to go to one session and try it out? What if you guys spent a lot of the first session going over his fears and concerns so that the therapist can be extra sure he doesn't feel attacked? Maybe he'd be more comfortable with a male therapist-- would feel more on his side? IDK. It does seem like you guys would benefit from having some time with a trained third party.
You always put everyone else first, you know, WF. You shoulder the entire burden. Just like you're letting your H pick up his end on the house DIY stuff, let him pick it up on the emotional side too. Don't just call it your hangup and deal with it on your own, or not bring up MC because he's being weird about it. At least, I offer you that as a possible path for consideration.
xoxo M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
) It's a big and valid loss even if you weren't sure about it. 
