WAW Walks Away a Second Time

[smilie]

CWarrior / Wayfarer:
Of course you're both right. You see it in me and yes, I am just trying to make sense of stuff in different ways. I was very interested in the behaviour similarities of WW and this type of personality. I have been looking back and questioning whether W does have empathy. For her job she sees people who's relations have died and are going through grief (probate lawyer), and she acts in certain ways towards them, says the things that you are supposed to say and do the things that you are supposed to do. In the 20 years that I have known her (19 together), she has never shed a tear, had a lump brought to her throat or felt sorry for anybody, that she has mentioned. At times also during our relationship, I've had to request that she stops treating me like a client - where she exhibits a different 'persona' in order to deal with a situation, remain detached from it if you will.

She also never sheds a tear if we have an argument and she never shed a tear the day her mother died. She goes quiet, goes inside of herself and locks it away in a box somewhere. I know this, I've seen it, I've lived it. This ability to emotionally detach is, I believe, a defence mechanism to protect herself from hurt. She speaks in a different, more formal way and is totally emotionless and only 'acts' in a way that another person would perceive her to be somebody who is indeed acting in a genuine compassionate way. But she is acting in that way. I have seen this many times over the years and I saw it shortly after we split and I needed to pick up the satnav. She was emotionless, cold, it was horrible to see her 'acting' in that way towards me (such has she did before 10 years previous). For somebody to be able to switch off all emotion is scary. It changes their whole persona, the way they look, the way they hold themselves and their eyes are just dark pools of nothingness. It literally sends shivers down my spine.

This is all I was trying to understand.

CWarrior:
The thing is I don't see my ex as a villain. She has done what she needed to do for her and she has chosen the way that she did that. I hate the way she has decided to treat me and that she has stolen the savings and hasn't been nice about anything. I also hate the fact that she says she wants a divorce, tells me to expect a letter and then I get nothing 3.5 weeks later, neither has my lawyer. It all feels like she is playing some kind of game and I'm trying desperately not to play it, especially in my head. Furthermore I don't want to follow her lead in the blame game, certainly not.


wayfarer:
As you say some people just do some crappy things and yes she has done that certainly. However, I don't feel anger, at all and I've already gone through the stage of blaming myself for it all, both at the beginning and a few days back. I fully understand that she thought that I had nothing to offer and it is frustrating that she knew that I was trying to get into a position to pull in an income and had it not been for this 'pandemic' that is exactly what would have happened mid last year. It was just unfortunate, bad timing, bad luck - another bad luck feather to stick in my cap that I seem to have had for my entire life.

I am not stupid and fully I know the part that I've played in this relationship. Yes there are things that I could have done better, things I could have tackled better and things that I should have done but didn't. I am not trying to use and 'but's' here to get myself out of responsibility, but being struck down with a condition that I cannot find a cure for that effects every single facet of your life is a struggle, both for me and for her. I have had this for 7 years exactly, she walked out. She was ill after a year of us being together for 7.5 years, I stood by and supported her. No, it's not a peeing contest of who could last the longest and stood by, but this was before we got married and I was committed to the relationship and committed to her. The part I have played in this relationship is giving up my life and my interests in order to spend more time with her. She had nothing to give up as she had no interests and the interests she tried to have since we have been together went nowhere and were discarded just as quickly as they came. We became each others lives and that was one big problem that we both need to work on. However, she probably won't see that seeing as she is under the 'spell' of her new guy, but I see it in me and it was not a good thing to do - to give up on me to devote my time to her.

About the self-confidence & worth, yep I know where that blame lies also. I know that I have given my power away, I know that I have let somebody else control every single area of my life from bank accounts and finances to where I go on the weekend. I've let that happen and she wanted to do those things, she even told me that.

I used to train regularly at the gym and in my home gym, so I've picked that up again. Spiritual: I have started meditating and the emotional side I have been speaking with a couple of friends and have some therapy sorted from next week that may help. I also have another couple of people to contact on this. I like to read books but can't for too long because wearing glasses makes my head feel strange, but if I can suss this Vestibular Migraine issue with the hypnotherapist that will be a bonus.

Interests and hobbies are getting there also, but I need to put more effort into those - martial arts weapons training that I started to pick up last year and I have re-started the coaching training that I did a couple of years back so that I can pick that up again for an income stream in the near future. I listen to podcasts all the time and I'm into interviews and personal development stuff, so do that anyway and I have done for years.

I have book shelves of unread books to read, a hypnotherapy course to study a Shadow Work course to get in to (Carl Jung stuff) and I have language courses in Spanish, French, Italian and Greek. I also have foraging to learn and a karaoke system to sing on - although I haven't felt much like singing recently and was going to pack it all away - perhaps I won't as it's a good stress reliever!

This is some of my GAL and I am actually started doing some of this stuff this week. Actually, I've once again realised how uncomfortable you can get a day or two after a weight workout! I also meet up with a small group of people each Sunday for a coffee and a chat for an hour or so

I appreciate your input though and realise that I am maybe trying to portion blame. I didn't think I was, but perhaps I was just telling myself I was innocently curious. I'll leave all that stuff until later then... work on me first. It is exceptionally difficult to stop looking into this stuff and learning though.