Yeah that's what I am trying to figure out. If it is MLC there would be some hope, if I am willing to wait it out, continue to show love and compassion etc. No guaranteed by any means, but hope.
But with narcissistic personality, there really is no hope. There was no real "love" there in the sense that you or I think of love.
You might just find your current definition of love is going to get a huge upgrade.
There is always hope. Hope is believing in the possibilities. Hope lives in that realm; lives in what is possible.
Hope is an incredible force. It can propel you to some amazing things and it can bind down.
You see hope is a spectrum from wishes to expectations. Fanciful to reality. I hope to win the lottery (wishful and fantasy). I hope I get to work safely today (expected and pretty much a reality).
If you keep your wishes, hopes, and expectations clear it helps a lot. Problems start when we let our hopes, our belief in the possible, become expectations. When expectations go unmet, resentments build. Keep your expectations to zero regarding W, marriage, relationship, and such. For sure hope, for there is plenty of hopeful possibilities, just be wary of getting your expectations up and therefore crushed.
The best hopes and possibilities concern you. What hopes do you have for your life. Hopes and dreams that are focused upon you and do not include W and the two of you. I know how big a task that is at first. We were living our blissful happy lives, expecting things to continue forever. We didn’t think to figure out what to do if we got divorce and ended up single.
Find yourself in the midst of all the rubble of the marriage. Stand and dust yourself off. Detach and let go. Discover your values and beliefs. The why and deep rooted soul of who you are. Do you like him? Proud of those values? Strengthen those that serve you. Craft beliefs that you aspire to. Alter values you are not proud of. And discard those that do not serve the life you want to live.
That is the larger path. And like any journey it starts with small steps forward. You’ve made many steps so far. You have the business side sorted out. Financially things are settled, you have financial security and protection (I think). Keep moving forward.
Originally Posted by LeeChild
She tells me to "grow up".
I think...hmmm. At first I thought of all the ways in which I am not so grown up.
Then reality hit me in the face. This woman, who smokes pot all day, and gets drunk every night, who has continued a college type lifestyle her entire life-- this person who I always joked thinks every night needs to be like Bonnaroo (an outdoor concert/festival) who childishly abandoned our marriage, and refuses to work on her biggest life commitment-- SHE is calling ME "childish".
I hate to sound self righteous and I always want to look within first but -- JEEZ. Facts are facts.
Her behaviour vs her words. You can see she is not behaving grown up. She is projecting her faults and guilt upon you. She blames you for the very faults she exhibits. Pure projection. Of course she knows you and therefore knows how to twist the knife and bring up just enough truth to make it believable. Do not take on all of the blame, only own your part of things. Work on those areas of valid criticisms.
If you hate to sound self righteous, then don’t. Let go the judgment of W. State the facts. Those are steps along the path. Steps towards detachment.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
