I get that part. Not so much with the honesty thing but he basically told me 8 years ago I was the plan B OW was plan A but she decided another guy was a better option than my H so instead of continue to juggle us and eventually ghost me he decided to keep me around and then actually fell for me entirely by accident. Fast forward to the A and I'm told I was plan B, and that I've always been plan B, I was basically a place holder, this is kismet, this is the universe putting his life into the place it should've been 8 years go and I just need to accept it. God it hurt, but even in my logical mind I was like he's full of it. Deep in the A once I let go and acted like I couldn't careless what he was doing or that he wanted to leave he'd follow me around the house to talk to. All I could think was why don't you go talk to plan A. I'm sure she actually cares. I knew the full plan B thing was such crap. If she was always plan A why wasn't she around our whole MR? But your intention with the this relationship is to keep me around as your bff?? Oh come on.
Then after the A when OW dumped him and he started to come around and try I was constantly fighting the feeling that he was only coming around because I'm the secondary plan. We're in lockdown he doesn't have other options. She dumped him he's desperate and lonely. Now he's apologized profusely for say those things to me. He's called him sell an a$$ for behaving like that. That I am his best friend and he's and idiot. All of the remorse stuff. But I still wonder all the time am I really the path that you want or am I just comfortable and safe?
Yeah, the doubts are real. And I can say that I still struggle with doubts 3+ years on. But the one thing I've continued to do is to be self-differentiated. I feel that self-differentiation is key to success in Rs. You just cannot react emotionally to every mood and whim of your SO. That doesn't work. It never works. And if you allow your SO to affect your emotional well-being then you are way too overly attached and setting yourself up for problems down the line. This is why I try to get LBSs to understand that their spouse could be taken from them at any moment through accident or disease, not to mention to D. So being happy and fulfilled independently as part of an R is as important as the work that needs to be put into the R itself. I try to remind myself that I need to be internally happy and fulfilled in order to be happy and fulfilled in my MR!
But yeah, the doubts are real............
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
