Yes, your Dad’s death would be a likely trigger. That kind of thing brings forth just how short life is, and how we just never know how much time is truly left. Compounded for your W is her guilt of not going to see her loving father in-law. And now she can’t, which brings up even more pressure and guilt and regret and so on.
Of course, the hidden (or not so hidden) pain of her Mom’s cancer and death. And that she abandoned and ignored her Mom while she was ill. Her Mom’s death, the grief, the guilt, the regrets, were buried away for years. These were likely uncovered and became more triggers rather than being the hidden trauma(s).
I would think there is something even deeper, given her family’s history. Something from when she was younger and she did not have the emotional tools to handle it. An authority figure of some sort. She then grew up blaming and hating herself for something that really isn’t her fault. And she probably doesn’t even realize or know what that is, yet.
W did stay away from her Mom while she was ill for probably some reason.
So yes, your Dad’s death is a triggering event. The real question that is nagging at you is, what it triggered. Is this MLC? Right?
Mid life crisis has a few significant hallmarks, some of which your W is displaying. Very significant personality change. New values and behaviours. Throw morals out the window. And so on.
Depression is ever present. The MLCer will plunge into running behaviours in an attempt to drown the depression. However, in the darkness or night, alone in their bed, their demons come out and play. For no matter how far and fast they run, one cannot outrun themselves. And that is what the MLCer is trying to do. Run away - from themselves. They just don’t and cannot see it.
A pretty significant hallmark of MLC is confusion. The MLCer exhibits confusion. They flip and flop. Their attention spans are like that of a gnat. And their memory is like Swiss cheese - full of holes. There is so much turmoil ongoing in their mind, so much irrational pressures, the rational part gets shoved to the side.
Crisis people are running on their emotions. Everything is about how they feel. How something makes them feel. Their emotions are cranked to eleven and they cannot handle anyone else’s feelings. That is a big reason for the no pressure advice. They just can’t handle it.
Running behaviours usually take on a rebellious, adrenaline seeking, illicit slant. And there is not much limit to just what they might try. Drugs, sex, booze, fast cars, illegal activity, and so on to name a few. MLCers have two sides to their emotion problem which they are trying to drown. The feel too much, and they feel nothing. Both at the same time.
The MLCer does a weird time travel as well. Living in their tormented past. They will recall things from long past like it was yesterday. And then spring forward to the present or some other time of torment. This particular characteristic explains some more of the “why” our own loving spouse can be so cruel and mean and destroy the marriage seemingly so easily. They are not married. They are that hurt lost little child. That young person isn’t married, doesn’t have children, doesn’t want responsibilities, etc. They know or are aware of their grown up adult life, but it doesn’t have any emotional connection to them. You have seen the indifference towards you. Have gotten the ILYBDLY speech. They are a younger version of themselves. An adolescent with the privileges, rights, and money of an adult. Little wonder they go crazy with their behaviours.
This all very confusion for us LBS. Imagine how confusion it is to the person embroiled within such a torment. I would not wish MLC upon anyone. It is terrible.
So to the question at hand. Is W lost within MLC? There are a lot of signs. You know her best, and have seen her behaviour. What do you think?
Time does provide more clues as it progresses. W will show more and more of her behaviour. Her mask and narrative will slip more and more, showing the hidden confused pain within. For example, my XW coming up on four years post BD is barely reaching out to her children. Is still crazy thin. Still behaves strangely. Has even more plants covering all the floor space in OM’s house (she over 500 now by the last estimate from son). Has three MLCer personalities living within her - the dominate one the rebellious 18 year old, the 13 year old girl, and the 7 year old child. And many other weird and strange traits.
It takes a certain amount of understanding to let go. I get that. No one just lets go without explanation. However, MLC or WAW or WAS or whatever, the facts of your present situation don’t change. Your view of your situation can and will change. Knowledge is power. Use it for good. Better not bitter.
Consider what behaviours W has exhibited. Look not to her words, look to her actions. Confused? Forgetful? Angry? Emotional? Irrational? Physical? Tell me about them. Consider how apt MLC appears or not. Then start to work to accept the unacceptable. To believe the unbelievable.
You are asking good questions and are showing a healthy inquisitive mind. Now, sharpen that mind and find your control over self. It is difficult to rationalize our spouse’s irrational behaviour. Find your strength to accept the irrationality of all this - for now. Have faith, you will learn much more as time goes on.
Let go your anger and emotions in a safe manner. Sweating them out doing yard work is a pretty good one. Running, physical work outs, whatever. Physical activity gives your mind something else to focus on; releases feel good chemicals; and uncouples your irrational ties between W and your emotions. I’ve written a lot about the path. That last one is basically training your mind. If you vent when you’re angry that reinforce those feelings. If you go for a run, your mind gets different inputs which are not those previously reinforcing ones. Poof, anger loses its grip upon you. (That was the very short version and explanation. )
Hope your day was good.
Stay strong Lee. You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
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