A lot of great advice being given on the boards the last few days. Smilie, it will get better. Detaching is key. Don't sit around stewing on the situation. GAL is key to detachment. A simple start is visiting or calling your family and friends more often. Find somebody that provides a healthy support system. If you don't have friends and family nearby, join some meetup groups. Go on road trips. Read books that have nothing to do with saving your marriage. Stay active physically (if you can) and mentally.
Now is the time to detach. That should be the focus. You can work on your flaws in the next stage (by reading relationship books, etc.)
Before you met your W were you happy? If so, get back to being that person. I think all of us lose a part of themselves in an LTR... the things that made us attractive to our spouses. Rediscover those things.
The people on here have been brilliant and so much good advice and compassion has been shared, for which I am grateful. I certainly haven't been sitting around stewing and feeling sorry for myself, I have been quite active. It's just the quiet moments first thing in the morning and the evening that hits me hard. I have noticed that I'm not so focused on talking about it (the wife going) in detail as much at the moment and it currently feels like it's draining out of my system - I wonder how long that will last. I feel like I'm 'talked out'.
I reached out to a couple of friends (not too local, with one being a 50 minute drive) and they have been brilliant and gave me so much of their time over the past few weeks. I noticed they are pulling away a bit now, so I shall back off and let them recover. I created a mind-map today outlining a plan for my New Life to flesh out some ideas. I also rejoined a coaching group that I was a member of after training to be a coach and had a live meeting tonight. The relationship counsellor called back, she also does EMDR but her rate is too high for me at the moment and there's no option to scale based on income.
I wouldn't say that I was exactly happy when I met my wife way back 21 years ago, but I was content, able to support myself, make a place in the world, was confident and assertive. I always have had a good sense of humour and talk to anybody when I'm out and about, so that has always been a good start and something that attracted my wife (and I've never lost that).
As far as road-trips are concerned, I may just need to go on a couple of those as I need to go look around some new areas to live. I can't decide at the moment where to be, so that'll take some thinking. Also, I have got a couple of courses to study and the house contents to start to sort out - nothing to do with relationships - will stay away from those for a while then.
So hopefully all this will help to detach in a way that can get me in a place to heal.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
