I know I still have some of that rear view mirror thing going on. I know I'll get past it eventually. The baby thing is one of the things that sticks. Definitely the feeling of being given up on is still there too. Maybe just in a different way.
I feel like he gave up on me and us. That it was easier to pull up stakes than even so much as bother to tell me what was going on in his head. That he was able to pretend that he did all he could to try to stay when I repeatedly asked him what was going on, what was on his mind, why he felt so distant, what I could do for us to be better and his answer was always nothing I'm fine, we're fine. And then we weren't. I saw the stakes being pulled up, recognized it, called it out and I was shrugged off. That's the giving up on us that I get stuck on.
He has since recon apologized a lot for internalizing my depression and not doing any research on it at all. I know how hard my depression made loving me, and being with me. I've repeatedly apologized for not getting help sooner, but I'm still carrying a lot of anger that it wasn't until recon started that he even attempted to understand that depression isn't just being sad and isn't fixed by eating right and exercise and smiles. Like 2 min google search, the absolute bare minimum in hoping to find away to make things better was too much prior to the A. He's apologized for that too. But that is the part that makes me feel like he just gave up on me. He had to put up with a depressed yet functioning wife. Was I miserable to be around. Yup. But I wasn't making his life miserable on purpose. I wasn't doing anything to undermine him, or hurt him, or control him. I was just trying to survive and that's all it took for him to want to walk away.
