Writing letters you never intend to send can be a great way to express and expel the anger. It’s so important you burn that anger off so that you can get yourself strong and healthy no matter the outcome of your relationship with her.
What resonates with me is how frequently she is talking about being bored and needing the unexpected (to the point that she is self destructive). Based on the family molestation and incest I suspect she is a chaos kid. If you aren’t familiar with this, look into it. These are adults who feel most comfortable in the same chaos that was swirling around them as children. Calm, peaceful environments are actually unsettling to them because they are unfamiliar. They misread it as boring.
Until they face it, they will create chaos because it’s familiar and comfortable.
You are doing great. Keep feeling what you are feeling. You will get through this.
Thank you so much HaWho.
Yes, of course in reading about MLC I've run into that term and it very likely applies to her. She is also the youngest of 3 sisters, the baby and simply used to getting her way. She was successful early on, always made straight A's, took herself out of that lower middle class situation, and was used to doing as she pleased for most of her adult life (and there isn't anything really wrong w that). I was always very proud of her btw.
Also, I think she sort of shined in my adoration which I was happy to shower her with constantly. I felt loved and appreciated in return so it didn't seem one sided to me. But now I am wondering if she seeks people who do this, and once she uses up that energy, she is out. I am not sure, this is speculation at this point and I want to be careful not to pathologize her clinically just because she wants a divorce from me even if I suspect some sort of venerable or covert narcissism now. But that stuff can be a bit like reading a horoscope-- we latch on to what seems to fit, and ignore what doesn't.
In some ways she probably feels she really tried this and thought she wanted this traditional sort of life at the point that we got married, but it turns out she did not.
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You have read about MLC. There is a triggering event or events that usually occur around 18-24 months before bomb drop. Events that are significant to the person. A marriage, a death. Things of that nature.
DnJ is quoted in the above
W mother died when she was 23-24. Cancer. She sort of abandoned her mother during this time. This created estrangement with the middle sister who moved back to th country to take car of the mom. The sister reached out to me and we talked about this. W was the "apple of mom's eye" but she abandoned her, out of sight out of mind, when she was sick.
W admits as much, says she was young. Had a fiancé that she broke it off with) didn't know how to handle her Mom's illness and how it made her feel so she just stayed away--similar to how she stayed away during our divorce. That's why I still think an affair might not be happening. Abandoning and avoiding is in her nature and in this case may not be a sign of affair (although given the other evidence it does seem likely).
Anyway -- about two years ago, my father, who adored my wife, got cancer. My wife became really close to my family and really seemed to take to being embraced by them.
But twice in a row when Dad was first diagnosed, he asked us both to visit, W agreed but when it came down to it, she said "I am tired from work why don't you go alone".
This hurt my Dad's feelings. Dad died a few months later.
This really dug at me -- but I reasoned that maybe my Dad's cancer brought back trauma from her mother. Also later on she spent a lot of time with my Mom in the hospital, so that square everything in my eyes.
Anyway, in retrospect, she is now saying this has been going on for 2 years.
Could my father's death have been a triggering event for her?
