Finding Our Sea Legs

[SteveLW]

WF, interesting insights. This probably won't surprise you but I am not a typical guy. I have turned down many women because I never saw sex as just sex. I saw it as a sign of connection and being in love. In my teens and 20s I was turned off when a woman was obviously wanting to have sex having just met me at a bar or at a party. I am on record with my addiction to alcohol, but even when I was plastered I had a strong sense of not wanting to have sex with some random girl I just met. I feel bad that rejecting these women may have made them feel bad about themselves, but I certainly wasn't going to lower my standards just to make someone feel better.

So for me, getting rejected after we got married was so very confusing. Being in a committed, loving long-term relationship was what I wanted, and the person I was with is who I wanted to have sex with. So when she started turning me down way more than ever saying yes, it really started me questioning my beliefs. I found her "I love yous" incongruent with the "I don't want to have sex". It made me feel like she had used sex while we were dating to secure the relationship, but once she felt it was secured she no longer had the desire. She would chalk it up to being broken. She took all of the blame. "Something is wrong with me." Old abuses from prior to knowing me suddenly were an "issue". She had an older father figure proposition her. She had an uncle that french-kissed her. She had a step cousin that used her as a booty call. Suddenly all of these things were affecting MY sex life.

All of that made me question how much she loved me, and whether I had made a mistake in marrying her. And then the NGS, bad Steve behavior came out and really cemented the SSM. When I think about this I always think about the bald, Texan TV psychologist asking me "How'd that work for you?" LOL

Then her first EA happened. And suddenly it became all about me. Apparently she was sexual, and did desire sex, just not with me. And when I confronted her, things changed for the better for a while but neither of really did the work of Ring and piecing, and about 4 years later we were right back to the same dynamics. And the slow burn towards her second EA, and saying she wanted a D started until finally flaming into a full blown fire 3 1/2 years ago.

But the problem is that rejection is still rejection. And being rejected by the person that you are committed to for life still stings. Especially if not done in the right way. When there is a legitimate reason for the rejection, ok. But when it is just a cold, avoiding, excuse a minute rejection, it is difficult to get over, And then when they step outside of the relationship sexually, either physically or emotionally, it makes it awfully difficult not to personalize it.