One thing that struck out at me when the backstory of her and the ex-BF was playing out was her saying that the first night she was with him she had a "vision of who she could be" with him. This is a person that couldn't make herself happy, but relied on someone else.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Originally Posted by Ginger1
No, no, no. I think the bigger part of this series and I just began watching it is, not dating before you are over your ex!
She was in some crazy passionate relationship with this dude who broke her heart and met her husband a month later, never dealing with her crap. And he re entered the picture.
So the moral of the story is get healthy before dating
Bingo Ginger! This woman was always looking for someone to make her happy rather than happiness from within herself.
This is actually one of my major take-aways from this board and other resources over the last year and a half, and I now have a much better understanding of the concept. Happiness has to come from within; other people can not be responsible for our happiness. Just like a shiny new thing, the validation and excitement a new relationship brings fades after awhile and you revert back to your previous level of happiness if you don't address yourself internally.
Reflecting back on my past I have been guilty at times when I was single of missing being in a relationship / having a significant other and therefore focusing more on pursuing new woman / relationships as opposed to focusing on working on myself and pursing my own interests, which would then attract others and compliment my life instead of supplanting it. Now, after a year + of my sitch I'm understanding much better than I do enjoy life (mostly spending time with the kids, but also my career, friends, sports...etc.) on my own.
As time passes since BD (talking at least 6 months to a year in) I started to revert back to my fairly confident, happy, content person whereas I'm now recognizing my Ex-W had significant self-esteem issues / un-happiness with herself stemming all the way back from her teenage years related to the fall out of her mom having an affair / divorcing her dad. She was in therapy and on ADs dating back two decades. I greatly underestimated its significance and impact on our relationship. Ex-W told me not long after BD she "was at a 0" and "needed to be alone and work on herself". She was absolutely right about that (though I believe she misdirected that anger/unhappiness at me), but instead of working on herself she was pursuing the affair w/OM1 and quickly jumped over to OM2 when OM1 didn't work out, instead trying to band-aid on her unhappiness. Ironically, I'm the one who avoided dating / relationships to focus on myself (and the kids of course) pursing IC, support groups forums, self-reflection and self-improvement...etc.
Looking back all the way to when we met Ex-W had just moved out from living with her boyfriend of many years when we met, yet within the first months quickly broached topics with me such as love, meeting the families, moving in together...so maybe I was her band-aid from the start after all.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
