This is hard. Very hard. I feel that I have had my insides ripped out today and I feel that I'm on a downward spiral into oblivion - somebody please tell me that this gets better at some stage. I had a short weight workout this morning and pottering around the house preparing a meal in the slow cooker, all the while my body just shakes and trembles - it will not stop.
It's amazing how everything that I see that reminds me of her, makes me shake. The recipes that I was looking through have all been printed by her at work, labels in the recipe book and her handwriting on the pages. All of it makes me shake even more. Why do I miss her so much, even though she has had an affair?
I need to get the house sorted and things sold that I can't take to where ever I am going to end up, but can't bring myself to do it. Part of me thinks that I need to "show" her that I've been getting ready to get on with my life when she comes to collect her things in 10 days time, by sorting things out and boxing some things up, even though I have nowhere to move to. I am dreading it. Absolutely everything about this situation is not fine and it makes me see how vulnerable I have made myself over the years and how pathetic I now am, as a person ... as a man. I wasn't anything like this before she left and was a rally confident person, but now I am just a quivering pathetic mess. I just wish this was the end, but apparently it's not.
Does this actually get better? Because after 5 weeks it feels like it's getting a lot worse....
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
