My MLC Wife story -- no kids

[DnJ]

Hello Lees

Do not send that email. It will do far more bad than good!

Look man, I understand where you are. I’ve been there. My XW changed and became the complete opposite of who she was. She threw away her four kids, demanded I got full custody, ran away from the house and all responsibilities. And plenty of terrible heartbreaking other stuff. Oh, and yeah, she had an affair. She is still living with the guy.

Your email touch’s on lots and lots of points. Rational points even. However! Really listen here. However, your W is not rational right now. She is consumed by her irrational feelings! Everything I. Your email can be true (and rather is), and it won’t make a bit of different to her. I’m fact it will be use against you. She will twist it and turn it and create more justification for why she needs to leave you.

As for affair partners. I’m a pretty handsome guy as well. My XW’s OM is a slow witted large (like 300 lbs) man. And not too attractive. This is factual and not my jaded opinion. Affair partners are just a symptom. Something to use.

A person in crisis - they usually do not trade up. They find some poor sap who they can manipulate and control. The control I speak of is emotional control. The person in crisis is creating the emotions of the events that traumatized them. An abusive parent will be mirrored in their affair partner. They subconsciously are looking to tell off the authority figured of their past that traumatized them. To grow up. To heal. Of course, the way they are going about it is not very healthy. However, MLCers do not realize all this. To them, nothing is wrong with them. Ah, if only they would go to counseling.

Oh, a really big caution and advice. Do not tell W she is in crisis or crazy or wrong or whatever. Seriously! She will not take that very well.

As for your decision of not wanting her back.

I'm not sure I want her back now and I do believe this could get to the moral person buried inside the monster.

First off you are only not sure you want her back. And that is being driven by your feelings. Do not make any life altering decisions based upon feelings! Feelings are fleeting. They will change, and therefore the very “reason” for whatever decision you made, changes too. Making choices and decisions based upon feelings always leads to regret. Just look at your wife and her choices and her reasons.

My XW had many reasons for leaving as well. Her’s we’re just as petty and really not worthy of throwing away a marriage. Mine was 27 year marriage and 31 years together. Some of the crazy justifications were the furnace vent blew cold air on her. My work truck burned too much gas and she was trying to save the planet (never mind I actually drive a Prius ). She’s been unhappy for 2, 5, 15 years (wow that’s quite a range). And so on and so on. Oh, they are so confused.

People in crisis or emotional turmoil are excellent manipulators. This is twofold. The first is the lies and deceit of the life she is living and all the misdirection and misinformation she tells. And it is bigger than just telling you - she actually tells herself. Talks herself into believing her lies! Think about that. That is how far gone these poor souls are.

The second round of lies are more insidious and deeper. These folks cannot be wrong. They cannot handle their emotions, guilt, pressure, and the pain of their past trauma(s). They must, absolutely must!, not be at fault. Consider that. Their psyche is so consumed and in such torment they lie and create a fantasy reality in which their spouse is usually the bad guy. And a person’s mind is incredible good at creating their reality. Heck, even us LBS do it.

Very few people write themselves as the villain in their life story. Your W is no exception. She cannot be the villain - so she cast you in that role. And that altered reality is completely real for her. You cannot talk her out of it, because she doesn’t even know she is doing it. The lie her mind tells itself is that insidious and hidden. It takes time and space to emerge.

MLCers will expect incredible energies to maintain their fantasy. They absolutely have to. If you fight directly against it, you will lose.

At some point you may truly decide you do not want her back. That’s ok. However, presently, this is not the time to make that decision. You are emotionally compromised. It’s rather obvious, yes? So do not make any decisions, especially rash ones.

I do understand your idea that such an email will snap her out of it. If she was who she was that would probably be true. Thing is, she currently ain’t the gal you remember. Trust me, I know how weird this is.

The bigger view regarding that email. If you are done with her, sending the email does nothing since you don’t want her back. If you might want her back, send it hurts your chances. In both cases, sending the email will only hurt her. Pushes her deeper into her torment. That email screams pressure and that will cause her to dive much deeper into her fantasy.

Do not try to manipulate her path. She must walk her path. And unfortunately you weren’t invited along on her painful journey. Any attempts at altering, will have undesirable effects. Nothing you do can speed up her journey. In fact, all it does is slows her down.

You have read about MLC. There is a triggering event or events that usually occur around 18-24 months before bomb drop. Events that are significant to the person. A marriage, a death. Things of that nature. Things that stir up those past ghosts and how fragile life is. My XW’s grandma die, then grandpa, then our second oldest son moved out for university. She actually blamed him. In front of him. My poor boy. He was pretty upset thinking he caused mom to go crazy and leave. These crisis people are hurting so much they will lash out and to anyone and everyone who stands in their way. They hurt anyone in a futile attempt to make themselves feel better. Those triggers unleash something that buried long ago and it comes back and will not be denied.

Realize: Hurt people, hurt people.

The best you can do is focus on you. Find detachment and emotionally let go. Otherwise you’re just going to get dragged along and that really hurts. I know about that too, by the way.

You do not need to move on, just move forward. In fact, moving on is not a great idea at this point in your journey. Move forward with your life. Focus on you. Heal you.

I will talk with you. Answer any questions you have. Pass on whatever I can. I support you Lees. You are the most important person in this equation. You and your life. Keep sight of that.

A whole and healed Lees does not need to send that email.

Find your way to that place my friend. I’ll walk with you if you like.

D