You can HOPE for a bonus at work or peace of earth or to win the lottery or for your wife to return to you without EXPECTING and counting on those events happening. Keep hope. Drop expectations. (:
I haven't got any expectation of a return, truly I haven't. I've let that one go I think and I need to look at moving on, I'm just not sure how to best go about moving to a different location.
To be truthful I have been struggling so much these past couple of days. It's 5 weeks today since she told me that she wasn't coming back. I have spent the past week wondering if I still love her and today I got my answer - I do and I think I always will - but who am I in love with, the 'her' that was with me and who was my wife, or the 'her' that broke my heart? Am I holding on to the person that I married, when that person has gone? She's probably different now is many ways, but the glimpse of the person I saw just before she left and shortly afterwards, was not a good look and somebody that I didn't recognise. That for me is an image I will never forget. Her face looked like she was emotionless and possessed. It's crazy
Today has been one of the worst days for emotions and I bet it will be like this for a while. I feel so desperately sad and my world feels so lonely without her in it - and I sound like a pathetic bloke talking like this too! I know that both of these are an issue, as there should be other things and other people in my life, but there no longer is. I have been GAL as much as I can, been meeting up with a couple of regular people on a weekly basis and today I went down the pub to type some more of my journal (not sure if that's a good thing, but it gets my thoughts out rather than them eating me up inside). I got talking to a couple of people for a while, so that was good. I'm sure that people see me as strange though, unless I'm being extra self-conscious.
My daily work-outs have taken a back seat as these tablets the doctor put me on are making me feel so weird. I put a call out today and they are calling me tomorrow. I'm sure it's fine as they probably take a few weeks to even things out. As soon as my head starts feeling right, I shall pick those workouts straight back up again.
Originally Posted by "Emily Dickinson, 1861"
“Hope” is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul And sings the tune without the words And never stops at all
And sweetest in the Gale is heard And sore must be the storm That could abash the little Bird That kept so many warm
I’ve heard it in the chillest land And on the strangest Sea Yet - never - in Extremity, It asked a crumb of me.
What a great little poem!
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
