Hopefully Drifting Ashore (Riding the Wave 4)

[SteveLW]

The sexual coercion he doesn't want to call it the r word is another thing. I had that with my exH. And I can tell you saying no a dozen time and finally giving in (an in my case it was because PT is my love language and I was desperate to be touched) I felt filthy and worthless afterwards. He couldn't bother to touch me unless he was completely wasted. It was never on my terms. It was always on his. And no didn't mean no to him. It meant try harder. You don't want to call it what it is. But it is what it is. I still cry when those memories sneak up on me. Anyone who willfully participates in that or can't understand why it would feel that way makes me question their integrity and self awareness on many levels.

This is such an interesting and important perspective!! And I can see how this dynamic worked in my own SSM. Especially the last sexual encounter before BD (and it was months prior). I think most husbands in a SSM can relate. But my W gave in but made it clear throughout the encounter that she was NOT happy about it. It was awful. I am sure she felt like you afterward, wayfarer, but I have to tell you, I felt HORRIBLE after it as well. It was a soup of emotions. Dirty and worthless. Feeling like I had just committed the r word. A sense of emptiness: "This woman I had felt so loved and cherished by in the past suddenly made me feel unwanted, undesirable, and like I grossed her out." Between that and BD I never even attempted to have sex with her again.

Though I have to comment on this: " Anyone who willfully participates in that or can't understand why it would feel that way makes me question their integrity and self awareness on many levels. " Maybe you are right here. But I have to say as the husband in this scenario, I went into every such encounter (and there were a few over the years) with hope. Hope that this time it would be different. What I never really considered was that she really DIDN'T want to have sex with me. I knew she might be tired, or not in the mood, or hadn't showered that day, or it was that time of the month, or she didn't want to deal with the messy aspect of it all. What I never really considered was that deep down she just didn't want to have sex with me, not just that night, but ever! In hindsight I can see that now. That my lack of intimacy, our lack of connection, the fact that we were two roommates that happened to sleep in the same bed, and just the general malaise of the MR had her in a place where she'd rather have a root canal that have sex with me. Looking back at it in with that insight and perspective, I can completely understand your comment, and the entirety of the paragraph you wrote.

I guess my point is that with NGS, and other factors in a SSM, that the husband isn't necessarily intentionally coercing. We are just not fully aware how the other 23 hours in the day affect the 1 hour of "intimacy". That boorish behavior all the time make us feel like kryptonite to our wife's sexual desire for us. We are too thick-headed to make that connection. And the wives involved for their part do not really enunciate the "issues". When I would broach her lack of desire it was always "I don't know why." "I don't know what changed." "I think I am broken." And maybe not all of the wives involved are as aware of the issue the way that you are now, wayfarer. Maybe you weren't while going through it, maybe you were. But I think there is a bit of sleepwalking going on with both spouses in most SSMs. He doesn't see how his lack of treating her the way she deserves affects their sex lives. And she doesn't understand why the thought of sex with her husband is repugnant, just that she knows she feels that way.

So looking back, yes, your point on integrity and self-awareness is dead on. There is a severe lack of self-awareness for many of the husbands that find themselves in a SSM. And usually their reaction to the SSM actually perpetuates the issues, does nothing to solve them. In fact, looking back at my own situation I can honestly say that my NGS reaction was the exact opposite of how I should have been dealing with it! But I didn't have that insight at the time.