Thanks Gigi. I'm under no illusions that I've forgiven my XW.
She tried to pave a legal road to move away with our kids. She would do it again tomorrow if she had the means. I cannot forgive that, nor do I think it would really be healthy to do that today. Maybe later.
I don't miss the relationship with my XW. That's not an angry response to the kid stuff. Times were bad and she refused to work on our MR in any meaningful way. I remember driving to work listening to communication podcasts for months, trying to figure out a way to do my part to help improve things. We tried marital counseling and she asked me to wash more dishes... then, when I did so, she complained I was too loud (even when I was literally setting them as softly as possible in the washer) or doing them at the wrong time. I was not passive-aggressive about it, I readily said "Yeah, I want to do anything that might help." There was no effort, it was a checklist item to tick off. Once a month she would unload on me late at night about everything I was doing wrong while I actively listened, didn't problem solve, etc. Then, before I could respond, say, "I'm tired, I'm going to bed" and storm off. Then she would complain I didn't go to bed right away either. She made wild accusations (porn addiction, affair) because, well... I don't know, that argument started with her being upset I didn't buy her enough jewelry for Christmas. I always thought... if I just connect with her feeling, even though her accusations are completely crazy and untrue, maybe we will start to patch things together. I gave her space and she accused me of being distant. If I came closer she asked for space.
She was unhappy when we moved, regretted moving, and it was all my fault. I could do nothing right. It was amazing how I would leave work earlier than any co-worker, arrive home, and somehow I was always 5 minutes late and the kids had already started eating dinner. She couldn't wait 5 minutes. Every day. I was stressed out of my mind trying to please someone who didn't care... at... all.
The dynamics were there for her to blame me for everything. At any point she could have said, "Unchien, I'm unhappy with this move, I'd like to work out a plan to move back." Never happened. Even post-S, at any point before things really turned south, she could have said, "Unchien, I would like to move back to my family. Can we work something out?" I recall telling friends I would have moved, and accepted less than half time with my kids, provided I had some financial security (because the job market for my skills is lousy where her family lives). Never did she approach me to discuss things in that way.
Instead, she dangled her threats in front of me for a year. I tried co-parenting counseling for 6 months, mediation for 3 months. She never changed. We were talking about her request for a pedicure in mediation, at $400/hr, because she had packed some of my stuff when I moved out of our house! Always "every other weekend" with the kids and that was it, with a "Maybe I'll give you an extra night once a month" if some vaguely defined milestones (set by her, of course) were met. Always withholding the kids, always dangling a carrot several months out. I got fed up, lawyered up, and here we are. Fortunately I had the financial means to do so. I feel horribly for people in these situation who don't have 6 figures to spend and have to deal with this BS (men or women). I have an amazing life ahead of me, and she's still blaming me for all her problems. Or CoVID (when it comes to refusing to work). Phew.
The red flags were there early on in our relationship. It is not like she used to be an effective communicator, or someone who took any responsibility for conflict in relationships. I just happened to be a deferential NG and went along with it. Part of the reason I have been estranged from my parents a few years is because of my parents (they wrote the letter after all)... but part of it is my XW driving that wedge in too. Conflict just magically always came up, over the most mundane and ridiculous topics. And then, to top it off, she brought it up in court as if I cut my parents off!
Anyways, I can forgive all of the above relationship stuff. I can, and I will. I never want to be with a partner who doesn't bother to accept any responsibility or try to communicate and worth through issues. Couples who don't learn to fight, break up.
BUT... I can't forgive the stuff with our kids. It's not like my situation is over. She will absolutely move away if she can. I have legal protections and all that, but she could still try. Family court allows for all kinds of crazy things.
I think it is futile and pointless to work towards forgiving something that is a continuing situation. That's what I'm trying to say.
