So in thinking about "should there be a such thing as too little too late" I can say yeah there is. I think as much as I have faith in love and humanity that some relationships are just beyond repair. There is no going back. For instance when I see LBH's like let's say Core, who are anxiety driven which leads them to be controlling and over bearing and then they are shocked their wives act out I genuinely feel bad. It's really hard to understand those anxious reactions, and the attachment theory stuff that makes you act that way. It's a really long process to over come that bad behavior because it's so deeply etched into who you are particularly by your FOO not being that person as to not destroy your relationship is a nearly impossible hurdle to climb unless you have a partner who is emotionally mature and evolved enough to recognize the patterns, not take it personally and ask that it be something you work on. AND has the patience to wait it out while you essentially rewire your brain. I never for one second thought it was too late in Core's situation if his W could dig deep and own her part and forgive his. If they could both just try a little harder, be a little better and healthier I think they could've made it.
This....this situation however, had no chance. Now I don't think he was 100% of the issue but he spends so much time pointing out WW issues I don't know that I needed to address them in depth. This was a toxic and doomed relationship because of both parties. But WW seems to be self aware enough that she wanted to exit the situation. I can't say the same for the poster.
Let's put it this way, the accusations of emotional abuse I for not one minute doubt they aren't accurate. He was pretty clear about the financial abuse he put her through, and how mad he was that she found out she could do what she wanted and he'd still foot the bill because he had not other choice.
The sexual coercion he doesn't want to call it the r word is another thing. I had that with my exH. And I can tell you saying no a dozen time and finally giving in (an in my case it was because PT is my love language and I was desperate to be touched) I felt filthy and worthless afterwards. He couldn't bother to touch me unless he was completely wasted. It was never on my terms. It was always on his. And no didn't mean no to him. It meant try harder. You don't want to call it what it is. But it is what it is. I still cry when those memories sneak up on me. Anyone who willfully participates in that or can't understand why it would feel that way makes me question their integrity and self awareness on many levels.
To your point LH I think vows, family, friends, little ones, the religious aspect is what kept the MR together as long as it did. I think if the WW didn't feel stigmatized or legitimately fear that D would've harmed (not physical but financial, emotional, etc.) her or her children I think she would've left long before. Money kept her there a long time. Fear kept her there, of the unknown, not necessarily him. And honestly having to find a new path is scary. I'm sure WW was having an identity crisis. It makes perfect sense. Who is she if she's not the wife and mother she was supposed to be?
The way I see it even as he's presenting it is they both came with toxicity into the relationship, whether it is FOO, mental illness, personality conflict, what ever it was they both brought that in. And then they played the fun little game my exH and I used to play that I like to call 'the race to the bottom.' Where instead of dealing with things head on or actively stopping the cycle, either because you've tried and your partner has made it clear that's not going to be a thing, or you actually can't because one or both of you aren't emotionally capable of handling interpersonal, relationship and parenting issues like adults you just constantly try to one up each other with pain. Stacking toxic behaviors one on top of the other on top of the other living on the high of a dramatic relationship until some one taps out. I've seen this relationship more than once in my life. I've been in that relationship. This is that relationship. And if there is any MR that I would be willing to say out of the gate is doomed with no chance of survival it's this kind of MR.
Now my very best friend in the world and her H dug themselves out of this pit of despair but it involved a crap ton of therapy, a lot of back sliding, and a level of patience that they both should get a noble peace prize for. So I'm not saying it's impossible but you need two people willing to stay in and put in the work and the work in a relationship like this is insurmountable to most. And frankly not worth it to just about everyone. Hence my too little too late. And as far as me putting the the onus on him to stop the cycle it was his own words. He takes pride in saying he was the alpha in the family. He chose the position of the alpha instead of an equal partnership that his spouse asked for. If that's his choice he should've done what alphas do, what's best for the pack. By the time he decided to engage it was waaaayyy to late in the game for them to save it even if they both wanted to. The amount of damage they caused each other by then was irreparable.
