Yeah - while I think that get together was fine (and a good opportunity for friends and family to vet him ) it didn't escape my notice that it was a last minute invite. Don't let that become a pattern. If he calls you at the last minute again, pretend you are busy or have a date. He'll either learn he has to make the effort to plan a date in advance with you - or he'll reveal his cards as a Love Avoidant.
I think I've told you this story before, but years ago I had a "coffee buddy" friend that I used to see and chat with at Starbucks on my way to work. He was a Love Avoidant type and he really helped me understand the Love Avoidant guy I was dating at the time. He told me, he wouldn't make a date on a Monday for a Friday night, because he couldn't be sure he would still be in the mood. If he called a woman on Thursday night for a Friday night date and she wasn't available, he was fine with that - he just didn't want to be tied down by making plans in advance.
Trust me - you don't want to be that available last minute booty call.
Thanks Bttfly & KML. Good advice. I actually think he wanted me to come out on his boat with him on Friday night but I told him I had other plans…a Rotary BBQ. I told him I had been thinking about tagging along with my sister to the lake anyway so we just decided to kill two birds with one stone basically. But it did occur to me that I definitely don’t want to become a last minute fill in for when he is bored. Haven’t heard from him since Saturday night when we he texted me to have a safe trip home and we chatted for a bit about the day and different shows I had recommended to him. Don’t know if that means anything or not but not gonna worry about it. What will be will be.
I think maybe my next thread should be entitled “DV’s Adventures in OLD”…lol.
Haven’t heard much from Brook this week. A distinct slowing down of texts to almost non-existent. I decided that I am not going to worry about it and just accept that he is in a different place than me and move forward with meeting other people that I have been talking to.
So… I had been exchanging the odd texts with a guy on Tinder who lives an hour away. He texted me yesterday and we ended up texting for awhile until the answers to questions started to get too long so he asked me if I would be okay with calling him. Three and a half hours later and it was 2 a.m….lol. We made plans to meet on the weekend but then he texted this morning “hi” and I asked him what he was up to for the day (Stat holiday in Canada). He said “not much” and I said “me either” and then I suggested we get together for coffee. I didn’t want to talk to him much more without meeting because that can be awkward if you aren’t attracted to each other. Anyway…we agreed to meet at 1:00 for coffee and a bite to eat.
Coffee lasted four hours…lol. He’s really nice guy. Attractive, successful, has his life together. He emigrated to Canada when he was 17 so has an accent (love it!!). He was in a snooker league when he was a child and teenager (and won trophies) so he has played lots of pool. He has a positive outlook on life and takes care of himself. Has three daughters, two of whom live with him (21 & 22) and a German Shepherd. Exactly the kind of guy I was hoping he would be. At the end of our lunch, he looked over at me and said “I really like you.” Whoa…straightforward too. An emotional grown up.
When we talked last night he said he has dated a couple people since his divorce (one who proposed apparently) but that he hadn’t found the person he could be 100% himself with and he wasn’t going to settle for anything less than that. Wants to find his “person”. Guess he sees potential in me? No pressure…lol. Anyway, I told him that the vast majority of guys I’ve gone out with have been “hard no’s” and that I wasn’t sure how I felt after one date but I definitely liked the energy between us and would like to see him again. I also said that I had gotten into two relationships since my divorce that felt rushed and I had promised myself I wasn’t going to do that again and that I think it takes a good three months to really get a good idea of what someone is like. I also said that I don’t want to find myself in a position of having to hurt someone because I got in over my head. He said he thought that was a really good way to go about it and of course I shouldn’t settle and that he is happy he made the top 10 per cent…lol.
When I got home he texted me that he had a fantastic time meeting me and said he would call or text me later on tonight. So…that went surprisingly well. Happy Canada Day everyone!
Wow, DejaVu, a 3.5hr call and a 4hr coffee date! You two really made an impression on each other. Fingers crossed, or "squeezing my thumb" as I've learned expresses luck when dating German women. It's exciting that you were able to enjoy your time with Brook AND still kept your heart and options open as his attention waned instead of worrying about that. What accent does he have--should I be imagining Sean Connery or Antonio Banderas?!
LOL…you are too funny CW. Closer to Sean Connery. I actually had a brief conversation with Brook tonight. Told him I had noticed he wasn’t really talking to me that much and basically said that I had figured out he and I are in different places and that it’s totally okay. He replied that he had had a great time, he loves talking to me but that he has realized he has too much going on in his life currently and doesn’t want anything more than that. Translation: I’m just not that into you. So that’s that. We are going to stay friends and I’m moving forward. Disappointed but not devastated. Just like all of us on here…I have been through way, way worse.
Need a nickname for new guy. I will call him Bond…James Bond… JB for short…lol. JB texted me a few minutes ago but I told him I am pretty tired and heading to bed. Need to regroup a little bit. Gonna give myself the evening to process the day and see what tomorrow brings.
are there joys to dating after divorce? I'll have to take your word for it although JB seems like someone worth spending more time with. glad there's resolution on the brook front. I wasn't feeling him. if you know what I mean.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
JB sounds very promising!!!! Certainly worth another date and getting to know better.
Bttrfly, there ARE joys to dating after divorce. Finding out that other men don’t see those glaring “flaws” you ex claimed you had (not a single one has complained I “walk too heavy” Lolol). Good sex (men have gained a lot of experience and skills since their twenties!). Being truly appreciated for who you are. Despite my various misadventures, those things have been great.
LOL…Bttrfly…not too many but a few. JB is definitely someone that is worth getting to know better. You know what we say to LBS’s…if your WAS wants to get back together, you will know it. If they don’t, you will just be confused? I think the same thing applies to dating. JB doesn’t leave any room for confusion whatsoever.
TBH…it feels a bit scary and I don’t know why. I think because he seems so sure and I am not. I really do not want to make another mistake or convince myself I am feeling something I’m not so it feels like a lot of pressure. And I don’t want to hurt anyone.
LOL…writing this, I just realized that what I’m feeling about JB is what Brook was likely feeling about me. Great person, we’d be a really good match, I enjoy their company, we could talk with each other for hours, they are clearly into me, etc… just not sure of my feelings and I don’t want to risk getting into a situation that would be painful to get out of. The easiest thing would be to retreat and opt out which is what Brook did. But I’m going to move forward cautiously and just see what happens. Wish me luck.
are there joys to dating after divorce? I'll have to take your word for it
I hear you bttrfly. I think that it's scary, quite a bit of work, and a fair amount of risk - is the reward worth it? Certainly hard for me to say for myself right now.
Sex - certainly a positive there - and finding out that other women are nothing at all like my ex-wife who really would just prefer to sleep and really didn't want to put in any effort was a pleasant surprise. Being older myself means that I don't have to do my impression of "Quick Draw McGraw" after either Finding out that acceptance of a few extra pounds on my side (my ex was always heavy) is there too was again a pleasant surprise.
Other things. Having someone to talk to, someone to be an adventure buddy to go to the grocery store with - it "can" be an adventure with the right attitude, someone to add some variety and colour to pull me out of my safe space / comfort zone. Someone to be a hero for by opening jars or reaching things off of high shelves. Someone to tell me I'm an idiot when I try to clear weeds using a flame-thrower (it's lots of fun) Those are what I miss the most.
But yeah - just like when I came here trying to save my marriage - I figured it would all be sorted out in a few months tops. When the marriage ended and I thought I had my head on straight I thought, ok - a couple of dates with some different people, I can get along with pretty much anybody and I'll not be alone on a Saturday night. Nope.
Sorry for the hi-jack DejaVu6
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
are there joys to dating after divorce? I'll have to take your word for it although JB seems like someone worth spending more time with. glad there's resolution on the brook front. I wasn't feeling him. if you know what I mean.
My take is that the people who are actually open to dating enjoy it because at worst case you get to meet and have a conversation with someone new. The people who have the relationship or bust mindset do not enjoy it at all because 90% of the time you are not going to be a match. The ones who over look that statistic and try to force it typically end up suffering.
JB is definitely someone that is worth getting to know better. You know what we say to LBS’s…if your WAS wants to get back together, you will know it. If they don’t, you will just be confused? I think the same thing applies to dating. JB doesn’t leave any room for confusion whatsoever. 
Finding out that acceptance of a few extra pounds on my side (my ex was always heavy) is there too was again a pleasant surprise.