Journey of me and H part 3

[DnJ]

Hello PLC

I like your post. Sometimes we just need to get stuff out and we jump all over the place. This is a pretty good spot for that; lots of folks who understand.

We get home and he has posted that he is at an amusement park. I was instantly crushed. Not because I want to go there, but I want to go anywhere with him.

(((Hug)))

If you step back from the crushing feeling a bit, I believe you’ll clearly see a few things. First, you would not ditch your daughter on her last day at your place for the next three months. You’d do what you were doing - spending time with D26.

Second, H is at an amusement park. That screams run and avoid. Bright lights, noise, commotion - plenty to keep one’s focus off their inner self.

Third, that crushed feeling. Why are you giving so much power to H and his actions / behaviour? Expectations, detachment, indifference, and so on. I’ve some things for you to consider:

I remain hopeful that him not telling his mom can be a positive to me, but the fact remains that he does not want to go anywhere with me alone.

The hope you seek is that his not talking to his mom is positive to him. That he will be propelled a bit, in a hopeful positive direction, due to the inner stirring of his emotional equilibrium that he has crafted at this moment.

The positive to you is by your hand. True, if things go well, eventually a positive outcome may happen. However, your positives are for you and by you.

You have tied a few unrelated items all together. Hope, positives, H not wanting to go with you. Uncouple those. To that end:

It is not a fact that H does not want to go anywhere with you alone. Not. A. Fact. Do not give this such power. You do not know what H wants, even H doesn’t know what he wants. And to elevate such mind reading to the status of a fact is not helpful. Facts are unchanging truths. Be careful with your wording and accuracy; your mind, like everyone’s, crafts your reality. If you say something is a fact, it becomes so. Feed your mind accurately.

To alter that crushing feeling. Do something different. Imagine this: (Of course not the day before daughter leaving)

H: I’m at the amusement park.
PLC: Oh, that’s sounds like fun. When did you get there?
H: I arrived 20 minutes ago.
PLC: I’ll join you and we can ride that big coaster and have those little doughnuts for supper.

You’ll notice, I didn’t ask. Just simply stated “I’ll join you and we can…”.

If that is a bit too spontaneous or not quite within your current comfortable zone, do a 180 and ask him to join you. Some time when he more or less free. Just an offer. With no expectations from you. “I’m going to go to the beach for a couple of hours. Come along and we can swim and lay in the sand for a bit.” If H agrees great. If not, ok; and go to the beach.

No pressure. No expectations. And no rush for you to attempt this little experiment. However, imagine it. H’s imagined response should be a possibility not a fact. How we believe things will work out, colours how we approach things. And how crushing certain events become to us.

H may still not go with you. Why? What is his reason? Who knows. Point is, you took control. It is he that is not going with you, not you not allowed to go with him. And that changes everything - for you.

D