From an outsider looking in, you appear to be codependent. Have you read up on codependency before?
Just curious what your childhood was like. Are you parents still together? Were you ever abandoned as a child?
You continually ask why you have such a strong pull towards someone who has repeatedly cheated on and left you, I think exploring your childhood might hold some clues for you.
Also, look into attachment styles. Clearly you have an anxious attachment style, that might be something to look into as well.
Funny enough I have been reading about this a bit. No, both my parents are no longer alive and I did have an abusive childhood. No abandonment issues, but my father was a bully and my physical abuser and my mother was a psychological manipulator, using guilt to control.
So yes, there's probably a lot there. I have had counseling ages ago through my life for this and it's never been an issue and i've been ok in emotional relationships, until this.
Interestingly, my wife was abandoned by her father early on in her life. He went to work away when she was a young child (about 4 or 5) and only came home for a day at weekends. They were never allowed to go and visit him where he worked/lived as he didn't want anybody there. For over 40 years his wife, daughters and grandchildren where not allowed to go and see him. Of course, this is because he had another family....
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
