It’s little surprise that H avoid this and other certain topics. He is his mother’s son, and unless I’m way off base, she and he never did talk much. There is lots of stuff left unsaid in most families, which slowly accumulate over the years. From what you’ve shared, H has experienced and seen a fair bit of strife growing up, and never really dealt with it.
Most depressed folks withdraw inward and then slowly deal with their grieving emotions. It’s slow. And for some it appears to not even happen. However, it is a mostly internal process with little outer display. While in depression, people seldom smile, or talk, or go out, or see friends, or such. They feel, and yes even believe, they will feel like that forever. That is one of the main reasons for the length of depression, it is altering that firmly held belief. It takes time to gather enough data; time to be willing to actually see this data; and a willingness - begrudging as it may be - to look into the possibility that they are wrong and their feelings are not forever.
All of us experience this in our grief. This is not some process reserved for the far gone, this is a normal emotional path towards healthy and whole. Problems arise when crisis proportions of depression and past loss pile up, or in these case - reveal themselves from their buried slumber. A crisis is much more deep and dark which leads to much more projection upon others, and blaming and justifying to support their believed view.
Time and space. And counterintuitively, few to no talks with their once loved spouse. The LBS is usually the target of the MLCer’s blame and projections. Us attempting to defend or set things straight just pushes them further away. The crisis part of their depression showing here - incorrect associated cause towards their spouse. When in fact some authority figure from long ago is more aptly the proper target. Shrug, not much an LBS can do but live their life and continue forward.
Depression, even deep depression, one still can see, even if it is only a wee bit, can still see their part in their loss. When pressure and pain is beyond even that dark point the person’s psyche collapses into a crisis and several emotionally stunted and poor coping mechanisms take over - denial and avoidance being some of the chief ones. A crisis person loses themselves in that shift, in the denial of self and what happened to them. These poor lost souls are deep in the dark, with no well crafted emotional tools or coping strategies, adrift on their ocean of pain with no heading, and very few (if any) beacons to steer towards.
Your H sounds to be depressed and avoiding things, and also displays making progress. Daughter leaving to Europe and no longer sleeping on the couch is an obvious change to things. The obviousness of this is…well obvious. What I mean, is H cannot ignore this. His daughter will be across the globe. I suspect H has had his ocean rather calm for a while. That equilibrium is about to get shifted and some emotional waves are going to start. And, in my forever hopeful views, some waves for H will be a good thing to propel him along.
Waves not created by you dear PLC. You remain the beacon.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
