I'm going to take a break from discussing forgiveness because, well, things are a little bit hectic here.

I just accepted a new position where I work which I am very excited about. I also am packing up to move out of the house I moved into 2 years ago this weekend. I have a lot of heavy mixed emotions -- remembering unpacking while going nearly 3 weeks without seeing my kids, learning how to be single father, spending so much time in the house during the pandemic. My youngest has been crying that she will miss this house, and I guess a part of me will miss it too, but to me it represents a transition that is ending now and there are great things ahead.

Originally Posted by may22
-- I guess I wonder if you have been able to truly grieve and process all the feelings and loss you have experienced? Not saying the loss of your XW (you are certainly better off without that toxicity any more in your life than necessary) but the loss of what you thought you had, the loss of the dreams you had together? Not that this would be the appropriate time for any of that, but I do agree with WF that perhaps the current detachment you are experiencing is a trauma response and that you will probably want to address what lies beneath at some point in the future. Maybe something to consider in the new year, to at least check in with yourself?
Oh, there's definitely some complicated emotions. What works for me is what I've learned from meditation -- being curious and observant about what's going on with me emotionally without any urge or need to resolve it. Unfortunately I've been slacking on both surf and meditation with all the things going on in my life lately (although ultimately, that's just excuse making, isn't it?)

I devoured books about my situation when I first moved out. I posted here a ton, I was staying up all night reading other people's situations and connecting with certain aspects. I had this need to resolve things. Problem solving, fixing. It doesn't work, and I was just burning energy spinning.

Maybe "try hard" works for some people. For me, I needed to just let things sit, like I said. And I started to sort things out and achieve some level of balance and equanimity. It's an elusive feeling but when it hits, it feels right. Like, I'm not ignoring things, but I'm also not letting those things define me. Easy to say, hard to do.

Another key thing that has helped me is self-care. Something as simple as not feeling guilty when I choose to be unproductive on a weekend because I need to unwind.

For now, mostly, I just need a break. It's been very intense. The negotiations became intense. My XW was messaging me with all sorts of emotional bait and it went down to the last second. So I am going to unwind a bit and disconnect from that madness just a bit while I sort out my move. But I won't be ignoring what's going on with me and how it's affecting my happiness and my relationships with other people (most importantly my kids).