WAW Walks Away a Second Time

[smilie]

I'm finding it hard today, very hard. I went to the small park we have here as I couldn't face being at home any longer, the loneliness is so oppressive. I read my DR book and had a coffee. I was reading about MLC and wondered if any of it made sense concerning my W. I then realised that it probably doesn't as she done the same thing 10 years back and it wouldn't be reasonable to assume that one could have more than one MLC in their life.

So it's basically me then. I wasn't attentive enough perhaps. I wasn't very good in bed maybe. And for all intents and purposes I wasn't bringing in an income. So it's me, I am the failure here. I know some of you guys are of the opinion that this is due to the fact that I was unable to work and from her perspective I can see that also. But surely it can't just be this?

Having spent time without her for almost 5 weeks now, I wrote this email to a friend. I am not blaming her in the slightest and I take full blame - if blame is to be cast on anybody. But I have tried to reach out to my wife on multiple occasions and really, as I mentioned to my friend, perhaps it's me that should have gone and left as she seemed like she didn't want to work on our relationship.

Please take what I am quoting as just transient thinking. It's me wondering, that's all nothing more, but hopefully it will help shine some light on things from my perspective. If I was the female here and I had tried for years to speak to my husband to tell him that I wanted us to improve our relationship and life and he wasn't interested, because as a result of those conversations he did nothing, then I would have walked. But me being me, I just keep trying. Banging my head against a wall, why?

Did I mention that I was having a bad day? I feel extremely lonely today. I went to the pub and sat outside overlooking the mere we have here and it was beautiful. I sat on my laptop and started to write about my experience, what has happened over the past 4 weeks and how it all started. A journal if you like. I want to write it down. But as I sat there, all I see is couples drinking, chatting and loving each other. I couldn't help but sit there and cry. That was my life just a short few weeks ago - our life. Now she is sharing that experience with somebody else and that really, really hurts, so deep.

Here's the email to my friend that I typed this morning. I don't know why I'm sharing, I just feel that I need to explain things from my perspective. This was also my thoughts this morning, they may have changed a bit since. My mind is all over the place at the moment and I am finding it hard to work on me, but I'm doing what I can and forcing myself to do the garden and housework.

My email reads like I've had enough, but I haven't. I would still like for us to create a new life, a different life, but I feel that she has never really been up for that. My feelings are that the sharing of this email will bring comments such as "Well, you're better off apart then" and similar, but it's just my thoughts, just venting, just trying to make sense of this and my friend knows that also.

Thank you all for being here, I really do appreciate your time. It's the only thing keeping me going at the moment, I know it is and I will be forever in your debt.

I'm not moaning about her, but clarity is coming and I am seeing so clearly how long I have wanted our relationship and our lives to progress. Years. I hate things being the same and I have wanted to change them for at least 12 years. I have brought this up so so many times with her, at least annually, but she was never interested and always ignored my frustrations.

I should have been the one to leave. It was me that should have realised that the only contribution she was willing to make in this marriage, was a financial one. I should have started my business, got an income and left - but I loved her and wanted her to come with me in the journey to a different life. She didn't want that and chose just to go to work, giving the reason (excuse) that she had to go to work as it was the only income we had. She made be believe there was no other option and she convinced me to put my dental claim money in her account and save it, rather than invest it in us and start some form of business, which she had probably convinced herself would never work.

She never stopped me dreaming, but she snuffed out the flame and conditioned me for helplessness and hopelessness and kept me amused by buying seeds and gardening things, to shut me up and keep me (sort of) content so that I wouldn't keep wanting to progress our life. She just wanted the same thing, go to work, then come home.

It's so clear. Do you know, she has done *exactly* the same thing year in year out since we have been together? She has never once moaned about having to go to work. Even people who like their job moan about the droll of going to work and things being the same, day in day out. She never has, not once. I've spoken to her about this and she says that she likes going to work.

So when i last spoke with her the weekend before she left and mentioned that she seems to hold work in a higher regard than our relationship and marriage, and she SAID that she didn't, she then went and proved me right with her actions. She knew I was right and she thought that I knew that she was seeing somebody else, as I hinted when talking about work, like it was she was seeing somebody else that she just couldn't dump and it felt that I was second to her job and that that's all she wanted to do rather than progress our lives.

She held me back mate. I've said it before but I can see it so clear now and then she turns the tables and blames me for not doing anything about the ideas I have. No, i haven't because she snuffed out the flame. I kept waiting for her to be onboard, but she never would be, as work was her priority. She never worked overtime, never went in early, but she held work as a much higher value than us and gave the excuse that she had to go to work to bring home the money. Short-term yes, but she had the choice to try something different, to work together to build an income stream another way. I told her so many times that I desperately wanted us to build something together, she said she wanted that also but never mentioned it again or did anything to work towards that.

Strange. If I'd have been a woman, a walk away wife, then it would have been me that would have left as she obviously didn't want to work on a business, on our relationship, on creating a family, or on us.