I am sorry you have had the rug pulled out from under you and found yourself in this situation. However, this board has many kind and compassionate people with much hard earned wisdom that understand what and where you find yourself.
kml and LH are correct in their advice and suggestions.
For the next good while most advice will seem counterintuitive. It will feel wrong, and go against what you feel to be the right thing to do. This is perfectly normal and hopefully you will read other threads around here and see the wisdom of those that have gone before and heed what you can.
Your W’s behaviour and her blames are typical and common reasons for divorce for those who are confused and hurting. Spouse’s project upon their once loved spouse with such petty things to some truly outlandish branding. Do not argue with her. You cannot reason or change her mind, for she is lost in a world hurt and irrational turmoil. She is being pulled and pushed by her emotions and will lash out to those closest to her - because she cannot be wrong.
Consider that: She cannot be wrong. This is where she is at. Her life is currently an emotional shambles in her head. This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. You didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.
All you efforts towards that end will backfire and push her further away. Like LH said, the fastest way is actually in the opposite direction. Think of her as a scared squirrel, if you run after her she will bolt. No sudden movements, go about your life, focus on you, and that squirrel watches you.
What ages are you and W. You turned 40, so I guess early forties. MLC is a life transition that goes horrible wrong. We all look at our lives at certain points along our journey. A crisis happens when one has unrealized and unknown past trauma(s) that were buried. The brief outline of W’s growing up and her family has quite a few leading indicators of significant trauma.
These traumas would happen from a person in a position of authority and usually when the individual is young. This young person having no well established mechanism for dealing with such trauma - abuse, sexual assault, whatever - blames themselves and in the only mechanism they have, buries it deep within themselves along with all their incorrectly associated blame and guilt. And that which is buried alive will later haunt.
A mid life transition digs up our past. Your W had and has no idea of what is causing her current desperate feelings - she has buried it so deeply and so long ago. You being present in her life, get blamed. Her only avenue - for it cannot be her due to her present psychological and emotional state - is to look outside herself and you are right in her view.
That is the crux of a mid life crisis. Past unrealized and unreconciled trauma(s) that pushes one beyond their emotional limits. It’s a crisis of irrational emotional pressure and pain. There are beyond rational reason. Everything they do is based upon how they feel. Once they enter a crisis they must complete it. Some, with well meaning but ultimately bad external force, do exit early, only to renter their crisis later to continue their path. And the second time around is far far worse for the crisis person.
Time and space. She needs both and lots of it. No relationship talks from you. No pressure from you. If she starts something, do not continue it. Valid her feelings and do not defend or argue your side or try to show her how wrong she is. She needs time to realize that “Hey, I haven’t spoken or been with Lee for quite some time and I’m still unhappy. Therefore it must not be his fault.” From this point, and by the way that takes time for her to get there (if she gets there), she needs to then turn her attention inward and look inside to find the cause of her pain.
You are on two paths right now. An emotional one, and a business one. At times you will need to set aside your emotions and attend to business. I know how difficult that is.
Divorce is not an emotional decision. Emotions are fleeting. I know they feel like they will last forever, they do not. Do not make life altering decisions based upon emotions.
Divorce is a business decision. Do you need financial security or protection? Find out how much debt you have personally, and together. And how much family debt you are liable for - usually half. Talk to a lawyer and learn your rights and the most likely outcome, the best case, and worse case of a divorce. See what is negotiable and what is not. And do not tell W about any of this! All you are doing is seeking legal advice. Getting information.
If you do not require financial protection then let W do the heavy lifting towards whatever goals she has in mind. Do not stand in her way, but don’t help her along too much. Most crisis individuals are more talk than action. Your W was a driven gal previously. That doesn’t automatically translate into she will be now. I know - counterintuitive.
Folks that enter an emotional crisis become the exact opposite of who they once were. Neat freaks become slobs, highly driven become lazy drug smoking sit in the sunshine folk, and moral honourable people have affairs and partake in all manner of illicit behaviour and activities. You have seen it - the allure of the new and experimental. The novelty. W is scared and questioning her life and the responsibilities of it. And she is running from all that.
If you need financial protection - get it.
Focus on you. And breathe my friend. Just breathe. I know how fast all this seems. My W’s record was dropped the bomb, threw away the kids, and moved in with OM all in three hours. 60 days later we were legally separated and all finances and legal ties cut. We’ve kind of famous in the legal circles around here. Well, I’m famous, she’s infamous.
Breathe and focus. Give your self time to heal and get you feet under you again. Go out and do things. Pick up old hobbies you put off, those things you set aside for marriage and work and such. See what passions ignite you and live your best life. Become the best version of you. And most importantly - do it for you.
Regardless of the eventual outcome you will be alright. You will thrive.
Look inside yourself and discover yourself. Do not rush this. You’ve got the gift of time, use it wisely.
Ask any questions you have. We all require a certain level of understanding before we are able to move forward. You are among friends and those that know where you are.
Stay strong.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
