Awww….. Lee. I’m sorry you find yourself here. Take it from an old hand - a couple of things are very apparent.
First of all - your wife is an alcoholic. Call it what it is. Alanon meetings would probably be good for you.
Second - all these trips to “think and work remotely ” - I hate to tell you this, but this is classic affair behavior. She’s rewriting history, inventing reasons to justify her affair, and getting off on the novelty of whoever it is. (I know, I know, I didn’t believe my ex was having an affair when someone here first pointed it out to me - boy was I wrong. )
Thankfully, there aren’t children involved, and you’ve been paying off debts so a divorce, if it comes to that, won’t be financially devastating.
Some affairs are simple MLC triggered by fear of aging etc. But there’s a lot more going on with your wife -alcoholism, selfishness. From your description, it sounds like, even IF you could get her into treatment for her alcoholism and she gave up the affair - you wouldn’t really be left with a prize.
It took me until after my marriage (of 24 years) ended, to recognize that my ex was a narcissist. MLC played a role in his infidelity, but narcissism was a bigger problem.
Now, if you don’t believe she’s having an affair, I’m pretty sure you’ll find clues if you look - usually phone records or FB are revealing. (Might even be that ExBF) . But before you confront her, protect yourself financially. If you’ve let her handle the finances (cuz she’s a CPA, right?) make sure you have copies of and access to all accounts. Run a credit check.
I know it seems like I’m hitting you with a lot. I’m not saying marriages can’t be saved. I’m just saying you need to know what you’re up against. Cheating spouses rewrite history, find ways to blame you (my offense? I “walked too heavy” lol), often leave clues to their affair, and are sometimes financially unscrupulous. You can’t fix her alcoholism if she’s not willing to get help or admit she has a problem. An affair is likely giving her the same buzz - infatuation lights up the same parts of the brain as cocaine. .
