Charting My Course (Part 2)

[BL42]

Gekko,

Great update! I read through your entire sitch (2-3yrs) after seeing your latest post yesterday. Other than the MR result, what a great positive DB story. You seemed strong and collected from the very start - well done! I wish I was stronger from the start, but have over the months gotten much more into your mindset. A number of things in your sitch resonate with me from the focus on the kids, to the holding off on dating and not making it a priority. Glad to hear all is well.

Haven't read anyone else's sitch in forever but still want to try and give something back to the boards in the future. I'm like a broken record on that, I know. One of these days.

Gek it would be great to have a really go DBer on here giving advice.

This would be fantastic. Please do make the time to share if you're able. Wish more people would pop back in and give updates/provide feedback. I'd certainly benefit, but even more so the folks right after BD.

So my D is FINAL. As in the judge approved the papers and we are officially done. As much as you can be when you still have two young kids together anyway. A couple of my buddies wanted to go out for a big steak dinner to celebrate, but truth be told getting the papers finalized was very anti-climatic for me, as the MR was dead and buried for me pretty quickly after BD. So no celebration dinner per se, though we are going to get some steaks soon just because. To celebrate life in general and friendship.

I think divorce parties are absolutely disgusting. Not sure what sick fuch came up with it.

It must be a relief to finalize the process - I know it was for me. The waiting and back and forth is not fun. I think you're right not to celebrate - to me, it doesn't seem right to celebrate such a thing - but do like the idea of going out with the friends to celebrate life / the future. Great GAL.

I see my ex pretty frequently due to kids activities and it's fine. It's easy in part because I don't want her back and would not take her back in the unlikely event she asked to give it another shot. She can feel that I have zero interest in her and zero time for her other than to get straight to the point of kid logistics. In social settings involving other parents it's all good and many people have commented how great it is that we can get along and be at the same events in the same group of people and it's cool.

Just so you know this may change over time. I was the same after my D but circumstances changed that dynamic.

I see my Ex-W many times a week do to the young kids and me caring for them on her weeks, and then the sporting events...etc. I personally wish it were fewer times we had to cross paths, but maybe my detachment will get there.
LH19 - Change how?

I started dating but nothing remotely serious. In my prior experience as a bachelor, I have always just lived my life and done my thing and dated around for fun, and eventually an amazing women just seems to fall in my lap. I am not seeking, I am just living, and letting life unfold. Summer is underway and it is going to be a really great one.

Any stories to share? LOL

In doing the occasional retrospectives on my MR, I have pretty clearly identified my mistakes and owned them. As for my exes overly critical and harsh commentary toward me, among other issues, I could have and some say should have BD'd her years ago due to her BS, but I don't really regret not doing so. I got several extra years of full time with the kids under one roof, which was fantastic. I have to admit that I might feel a little more swagger now if I had just BD'd her and said enough, you're out, but it's not really grinding on me or bothering me that I didn't.

Great perspective.

Listen, I saw evidence of my exes personality issues when we were dating and called her out at the first instant i saw a potential problem. She clearly understood me and appeared to course-correct. I thought we had an understanding but her core nature never did change and the harshness resurfaced after kids. But I take responsibility because I married her and did not have to. I could have been more skeptical that she had changed in her core being. I feel good about looking at myself and accepting responsibility for making the decision to marry her despite what i had seen in her.

I think the biggest learning as you head into dating again is to NOT ignore red flags during dating. Most of us that have been through a BD (or 2) can look back and see where before and shortly after marriage, there were red flags that we chose to ignore. You now have a chance to go into the next R with your eyes wide open.

Beauty, being fun, and all of that goes with it means nothing if the person has severe character flaws. We guys I think are worse at recognizing red flags because we are so visual. "She is gorgeous, sexy, in good shape!" When we look shallowly at a potential mate we shouldn't be surprised when that is exactly what we end up with: a mate with no depth.

So Gekko I love that you admit to overlooking the red flags with your EX, it sets you up to not make that mistake again!

Same here. Looking back there were red flags I didn't pick up on, or give enough significance to. Key for all of us is to understand those flags better moving forward and not making the same mistake again.

I encourage everyone to stay positive, GAL and don't let your sitch drag you down. Don't allow your identity to be defined by your WW or WAW. Take control of you life, all of it, grab it with both hands. Unless you believe in reincarnation, this is it so make the most of it. Don't be afraid of being alone for awhile, or of new experiences and R's. Don't let fear dictate your decisions. Put a smile on your face and watch how much better it will make you feel, it really works.

^This!

Best of luck post-D!