I know w had seemed unhappy for quite a while, working from home at the kitchen table every day due to coronavirus. We have a small, 1250 square foot house in the city.
Also she's been drinking wine every night for quite a while-- years actually and it has only escalated in the last year. At least a bottle per night and more on the weekends. She also smokes pot every day and since she's worked from home, that use has escalated due to access. She's 5'11 and weighs 135 pounds.
We don't fight much at all, there is no physical or emotional abuse in the relationship, and so the typical, escalating reasons for a divorce weren't there. W left for Phoenix to stay in an AirBnB to think and work remotely and came back even more resolute about divorce. She's since left several times for days at a time.
The reasons she gave for wanting a divorce were vague: she "loves me but is not in love with me." She "doesn't feel about me the way she should." "I don't love you like a wife should love a husband".
When I finally got out of her specific reasons, they seemed petty. The ever present "I leave my bathroom too messy" and I never showed enough interest in her hiking hobby and "you are on your phone and online too much". All valid but things to work on, not reasons for divorce. She has refused counseling.
She told her friend that she has always done what was expected of her, never things just for her. This is a person who has never denied herself anything. If she wants to break a plan she does it. She's flakey. Maybe she felt internal pressure to become a CPA & thought it was a conservative choice but her family are simple country people and never pressured her. We got married because it made no sense not to! It happened automatically, was barely discussed. It was like "so this is definitely happening!"
Neither of us expected to eventually be married. We were in our late 30s when we tied the knot. To illustrate her "I do what I want" attitude -- once we drank too much wine on Christmas eve and she wanted to skip family Christmas the next day! We are both wild about Christmas and I just said "Are you crazy? No way we are going to do this!". She was angry about having to go and showed her butt the whole time and dank too much wine. This was a mostly out of character move, something she'd do maybe twice a year so I would always excuse stuff like that. It happened but not regularly.
A week later, after another out of town excursion, she had dinner with my best friend's wife, who is her best friend (our lives are quite intertwined. They met due to us. My brother married her other best friend via us). She came home steaming, and really laid into saying she "just married me because it seemed like the thing to do."
She brought up some old dating partner & then said that when I am gone, she will never even think of me, but she will day dream about him. This person is a dating partner who according to her "didn't give a crap about me". An unrequited love situation from almost 12 years ago. They dated about 11 months.
She also later claimed that she was never really, highly attracted to me.
These are accusations with mountains of evidence against them. For one, she was gung ho about marriage. For another, we were the most publicly physical couple almost anyone had seen. Many commented on it and were annoyed by it! She seems to have rewritten the history of the entire relationship now, colored by current "feelings" she's interpreted.
She later days that while sex with me was good in the beginning, it wasn't "to a level I had experienced before".
We have a jar full of wine corks that say things like "best sex day ever". She told me on more than one occasion that I was the best she ever had, spontaneously and on her own accord. I would never ask such things but also a man never forgets having such things said to him either.
She is insistent on divorce. I am pretty devastated! I love my wife, this is quite a shock and I don't even think I believe in divorce!
W has untreated and undiagnosed depression she's been carrying around ever since I've known her. Her mother died when she was 23. She remained away and distant through it to avoid seeing her mother go through it, similar to how she is now "running" here and there to keep from having to face me. This has been going on months and we have had a grand total of 3 conversations about this divorce. She is now moving forward with everything rapid fire like she is trying to break some sort of record.
W is extremely driven and successful as a CPA. I have always been very proud of her. It is insane the amount of bonuses they throw at her -- we've paid off our house.
Yet she still thinks of herself as a failure. She doesn't think she is smart. She thinks I'm the smart one-- I'm a college dropout! This is a person who made all "A's" save for two B's" in ALL of high school and college.
She had a somewhat bad upbringing in a small town. Parents were okay, One of the uncles molested her sister. Her grandfather impregnated his own daughter and a "slow" child was the result of that. She and both of her sisters excelled and got out of that situation. One is a teacher, the other also a CPA. Her father, since mellowed and quite a nice guy now, apparently made her think she was stupid growing up.
She thinks she is going to move to Denver, quit her job after her next bonus and start a new, exciting life in 6 months. She will cut her wine consumption down to a couple of glasses a night for a month, pat herself on the back, read a few self help platitudes, and tell herself that she is working on herself. I know her. She will repeat these same cycles elsewhere with others.
I made excuses for the wine due to her high functionality.
I stopped drinking during the week with her at least 2 years ago. My use was 2-5 beers a night and I was just getting too fat and knew it was bad for me and that I had to stop. I stopped during the week and it carried over to just drinking much less overall even when I do drink. I turned 40 and was just ready to be done with that and to be a good example for her, but I think she took it as me not engaging in one of her hobbies with her!
I get the idea now, knowing her for a while that she is energized by novelty. The new part of our relationship worked for her, the engagement-- also new and exciting. Then the marriage, the first two years were wonderful other than her over drinking. These last two-- my father dies, I get hung up on security and paying things off. She says two years ago is when she first started having these feelings about me. She told me this after I blamed things on Coronavirus.
I feel like she uses novelty like a drug. I joke that she thinks every night should be like a concert. She doesn't know how to cope through boredom.
She can be extremely selfish and is skilled at justifying it. I know depression causes deep reflection and rumination. I'm not sure if it is the cause or the result of her depression.
I suspect MLC because, well in the preceding months she said several times, flippantly "I think I am having MLC" and "Is this all there is?".
