So where we are at. I guess piecing like any other time in a MR has it's ebbs and flows. With the new house a lot of time, energy and focus is going into that. It's big undertaking, especially going from an apartment to a house with a decent sized yard. I know I'm not focusing as much on my healing either. And I can feel the anger and sadness rear their ugly heads when I take the time to think about things for more than a couple minutes.
Right now one of the things that's getting me is house related. As much as I love the house and the significance of how gung ho H was about making this happen sometimes I feel angry about the lost time. I get frustrated that all of this should've happened 2 years ago but he was dragging his feet because he was already checking out of the MR. I get frustrated that we should have a baby in this house but as everyday I'm closer to 40 than I was the day before and our girls are one day closer to 20 I know any baby in the house won't be ours. I'm trying accept that. I'm trying to be ok with that. For some reason, that stealing time from me seems to be the thing I keep getting hung up on. I keep letting the whole mess go little by little but this seems to be a big hiccup in my giddy up.
I don't even know that I'd want a baby right now if we decided to try. I'm really enjoying the freedom I have not having a infant or even a school age kid. Still I feel like he and OW robbed me of that dream. I wanted the wedding, house and baby. I wanted that nursery to decorate. I wanted the chance to do things "the right way" that I never got the first time around. And I'm happy with where we're at. I'm happy with him. This is what I want. And like I said I don't know that I want that baby any more any way, but I can't shake the anger over feeling like he stole something I can't ever get back.
