This is the WW recon list. I had a WH but I'm guessing it's a pretty universal list. Just sub she for he and her for him.
1). Consequences! And taking a hit with hard, maybe a painful loss of some kind. Well he told his family. I can say disappointment is a kind way of explaining their reaction. Both of our girls rejected him for a long time. Friends just avoided him entirely until the A was over. He had to show his face around my friends and do so knowing exactly what they thought of him and his actions, and that all their spouses knew. The freedom he had he threw out the window on his own. Even passing up on out of town work opportunities early in the recon simply because I said I wasn't ready yet. He checks in all the time. He's explicit about where he's going and who he's going to be with and I'm always invited even though I decline more often than not.
2). Realizing the connection between her decisions with the consequences/loss. 3). Accepting responsibility for her decisions...and for every loss, and every hurt she caused those she loves and who loves her. 4). Accepting and dealing with the consequences, without blaming anyone but herself.
Ugh, this took longer than I would've liked. But he got there eventually.
5). Making a conscious choice to end her wayward direction and turn around. I don't really know how to answer this. I wish H was the one who ended the A. I think I would feel better about things in general if it wasn't ended because OW decided months too late IMO that the A was fruitless and she wanted to be with her long time bf. I think he made a conscious decision to reinvest in the MR after he mourned the A. But it does hurt knowing that even if ending things crossed his mind he was so much further gone than OW that he really didn't see things ending the way they did.
6). Seeking guidance and/or spiritual counsel to guide her in how to cleanse her heart of the wrong attitudes, selfcenterness, resentment, rebellion.......whatever she carries that is unhealthy. I genuinely don't know how to answer this. H discussed these things with the people he loves and trust the most and they all did their best to advise him in the right direction and things he needed to correct. But we aren't particularly religious and he's still not participating in IC. 7). To be remorseful. If necessary, even seek spiritual help, pray, whatever......to feel remorse for the destruction her decisions and feelings has caused her H. She has to feel true remorse in order to emotionally reconcile and heal properly. He is absolutely truly remorseful. 8). To completely forgive her H for everything in the past. To release the blame,anger, and hurt she held throughout their M. This took more hard conversations to get there than I would've liked but we got there.
9). To be wiling to do whatever it takes for the MR to heal. Absolutely, minus professional counseling. Which is a hurdle I'm not sure how to get past. He has such vivid memories of being "attacked" and "put down" in DC. But none of that actually happened. It was a very traditional DC session. She asked for some back ground with both of us present. Assessed where we were both were at separately. She then sat us down together to talk about what DC looks like going forward and then we began to discuss our positions. There was nothing pointed in any of it. He's holding on to this "memory" and using it as a basis for why he won't seek IC and isn't ready for MC. A lot of his memories from the time period of the A are foggy or not really based in reality. While a lot of it has cleared up on it's own with time this one particularly memory is just stuck.
10). To agree and cooperate with the H's choice of transparency plan (accountability), sending a NC letter, having any medical tests, ending any friendships out of his request, (and of course, any contact with OM), place of employment, giving him requested information, attending MC, or anything else the H may request in order to ensure the success of their reconciliation, and the safety of the MR. This was easily agreed upon.
11). Accept/agree, without resentment, that she is in no position to give her H any "conditions" to her going back into the MR. And, to accept without resentment, that the greatest level of work in piecing the M back together, must come from her. I was very worried about this. H spent so much time comparing me to OW and dissecting our M and relationship history that I was sure this was going to be an issue. But it wasn't much to my surprise.
12). To accept that it will take time for her healthy emotions to be restored. To realize and accept she cannot measure the success of their progress by her feelings. We had to have conversations about this. More than once. But H does understand that fully now. 13). To be informed, and accept, that she must go through withdrawals from her AP, and could experience depression. She needs to understand this is normal, and not a sign that she will have never have feelings for H. We talked about this at length before he even had any inkling of trying to rekindle what we had. I had been a WW. I knew what this felt like.
14). And the hardest one of all.........learn to forgive herself. This has been a journey. I think for some things it's taken him longer to forgive himself than it took me to forgive him.
