I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[SteveLW]

Hi Steve!

Thanks a lot for the post! Yes I am in IC but I took a long break because I started paying the crossfit gym and with the house in Munich it was too much on the plate, what I will do this time is most likely come here more often and talk to you all.

I dont think there ever was a "bad" Pack. I guess my perspective of all of this is changing and as I see what W never gave me (having acknowledged and continue working on my own controlling and lack of empathy issues), I get again all those feelings of "why cannot she value all that we had and how hard it was to achieve?" or "were my needs being covered by her?". Reading her cold emails, finishing on sentences like "you have my phone and email in case you need to clarify this or that about the kids" is still harsh on me. These feelings fuel me to continue focusing on Pack because I feel I am not detached to the level I should be.

I was walking the other day back from a school party, S2 on my shoulders and S7 by my hand. We walked pass W's father and he was pretending to not have seen me. I shouted out his name and said hello with a smile. I dont understand why they all behave like that around me, like I destroyed her and I have to be shunt away like an infected rat. Just wanted to share it here, nothing major.

I havent heard back from W regarding her brother's wedding, I honestly wanted to ask the board for help because I was not sure I was reacting on a healthy way. Nothing is going to change the fact that I think her values are now rotten and it is a farce to want our children to get actively involved in church traditions.

I am trying to put my kids and PIES ahead of everything else in my life. I went shopping today for some new summer clothes (remember to not back slide from the well earned changes! ) and the day before yesterday I passed my motorbike track exam! Only the road one left and I can own a Honda! I am starting to lift heavier weights at crossfit and I feel myself a more mature professional in my team now that I know I can handle complex projects alone.

I have been feeling like I am failing to have a cordial R with W and that is poor on my side wrt the kids. Let me explain, now every time we exchange the kids she smiles and says oh goodbye Pack! Or she maybe asks me "why cant you just tell me goodbye like I am a person?", or she jokes with the kids or she tells me something about S2. When I hear or see this all I can think is, "too late W, you have gone too far and I deserve so much better". I dont want to be vindictive or harsh or disrespectful and I have mentioned before in this board that I dont want to be friends with W, I have good friends already and I expected something very different from our M. Again same as before, I have thoughts that I might be immature or vindictive.

Why is it so hard for me to trust my instinct and values as a man? I have never been a bad person, for sure, I should trust my heart and my head much more than I do. After all she has done and after all the blame, the accusations, the manipulation, threats and ignorance, this is how my heart reacts to this fake chit-chat talk she tries to start. I am sure some of you will understand me and help me. I will be forever grateful for all the people in this board because honestly you are helping me save Pack from this ugly wreck.

Thank you all! ((hugs)), Pack

Wow, very honest and forthright post, Pack. I am sincerely moved by your desire to share these deep, inner-feelings here, and talk about your struggles. We all have them, and so I am very proud of you for being able to come here and say "I should be crushing all this but feel like I am not."

I understand fully what you mean by not being her friend. And not wanting to even pretend. We all have people in our lives that want to be closer to us than we want to be to them. It is part of life. My advice is to just keep doing what you are doing. Do you. 1. Kid. 2. PIES. 3 EVERYTHING else. Keep sticking to business with your Ex. When she asks questions like "explain, now every time we exchange the kids she smiles and says oh goodbye Pack! Or she maybe asks me "why cant you just tell me goodbye like I am a person?" just something that validates her feelings. But I do not think you should do anything disingenuous, or that you aren't comfortable with.

Next time she says something like that, maybe just explain to her that there is a lot of water under the bridge and that you are still trying to sort everything out in your mind. Be honest with her. "I am still struggling with what our R should look like moving forward." Something that let's her know that you aren't where she appears to be in that regard. Reassure her that you will continue to work with her WRT the kids and coparenting. But beyond that you are still figuring out how to relate to her with everything that has happened.

As far as the incident with her dad. Remember, these situations are completely uncomfortable for the people on the periphery. My neice's baby-daddy, who was abusive towards her, came up to me at their son's 1 year-old b-day (pre-COVID) and shook my hand. I didn't want to shake his had, but the "nice" side of me had me doing so. But trying to know how to act around family member's exes is always uncomfortable. So cut him some slack. He is in an uncomfortable position around you in the best of circumstances. Not to mention what his daughter may have told him about you.