WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont9.)

[SteveLW]

"Well if you are talking about how you feel or trying to get a reaction or make a point then you are typically being passive aggressive." Interesting thought. I would need to internalize that.

Scott, passive-aggressiveness is a deep, complex subject. I do not think I've ever seen a definition or a description or explanation of it that truly captures what it is in its entirety. The closest I can come to it in my own words is to describe it as anytime you try to use unspoken negative reinforcement to get someone to behave or react in an intended way. But even that doesn't always capture it because I think you can try to use positive reinforcement and still be passive-aggressive!

I can remember being at my cousin's house one time for dinner. His mom had made pasta, and his dad had picked up some donuts for dessert. My cousin, who was a big eater, usually would eat 2 or 3 helpings of pasta. But after one helping, pushed away from the table and said "Mom, that was really good! I really enjoyed that." I looked him, smirked and said, "You just can't wait to get to those donuts, can you?" He laughed and at first tried to deny it, but eventually admitted it. That was passive-aggressiveness!

Here is the big thing: A lot of the time that people are passive-aggressive, they do not even realize it! That is one of the things that happens with Nice Guy Syndrome. Most NGS sufferers aren't actually doing it on purpose. They don't even realize they are being "nice" to try to get something they want. And that is why studying NGS is so eye-opening for those of us that have suffered from it. And that is why sometimes it is so difficult for the person being passive-aggressive to recognize that they are being or have been that way in the past.

I'd be interested in what you come up with looking back over the past few years. My previous post talks about something you mentioned related to "setting a standard" for her lack of living up to her responsibilities. My guess, you were passive-aggressive as you took on more and more of her responsibilities. I can remember in my own MR, I would get home from work to a dishwasher full of clean dishes, and a sink full of dirty ones. My W would be sitting on the couch watching TV in the other room. I would NOISELY empty and refill the dishwasher so she knew I was doing it. That was passive-aggressive behavior.