5 years pieced & COVID SIP has silver linings

[OnlyBent]

They very often took LBHs to task when they behaved immaturely, passive aggressively or were manipulative. I would completely ignore LBH posts for huge chunks of time because the advice around these guys who very seriously need to get their control issues and aggressive, manipulative behaviors under control was frankly scary to me. My personal opinions on the gender politics around here are what they are. I get not everyone sees the world as I do, but if you prescribe to those notions that women and men attract mates in a gender specific way then you have to accept the converse of the same information. Which is men and women cheat for very different reasons. That theory says women cheat mostly because they are desperate for an emotional connection or to feel desired. Typically because they've been emotionally bankrupted by their husbands. Totally ignoring the fact that that man has responsibility in his MR falling apart just fuels a narrative that the WW or WAW and women are the problem. Not two people failed, maybe one more than the other, but they both failed in their MR and they both have work to do. I've gotten attacked for these opinions. Which is what ever I'm a big girl. But as a woman in the world who almost had to start dating again and having friends out in the world dating in their mid-late 30s putting more men in this world with a chip on their shoulder and zero accountability helps no one. Not the LBH. Not his immediate relations. And not the world at large. That is the opposite of healing, healthy and helpful.

I'll be honest WF, for a while after BD I demonised and villainised by STBXW as a terrible and irredeemable person. Having done a lot of work I realise that this is not the case. Sure, she made some terrible and hurtful decisions (which no one deserves to have happen to them), but she did these things because I was, at times, a pretty ordinary H. Do I excuse her behaviours, absolutely not. But had a put more effort and time into our M, perhaps those nasty and horrible things would not have happened. I was never abusive or any of those things (unless we count silent treatment, stonewalling, that I am guilty of) but like I said, I definitely could be a sh!tty H at times. The best way to describe myself and probably a lot of LBHs here is the series of Sh!tty Husband blogs on the Must Be This Tall to Ride blog.

In a way the last 12 months are a blessing because nothing else would have rocked me hard enough to bring about the necessary changes in me that will make my life and any future R infinitely better. For this I am grateful. Thanks for this post WF, it has reminded me not to lose sight of not only where where I am but to never forget the part that I played in all of this.