She's Gone Again - 10 Years On

[smilie]

First off, may I thank you for all of your replies and the time you have taken to respond. It means more that you will ever know at this point in my life. Again, thank you.

I would like to stress, seriously stress, that my wife didn't give any clues, any complaints or any comments that she wasn't happy. This is difficult to get across, but if she had of done, then I would have sat down with her straight away to discuss such things. There was nothing, honestly, absolutely nothing. I didn't miss the clues, I didn't miss any comments and there was absolutely no nagging - there wasn't the previous time either. There was no mention that she wasn't happy or that I was doing somethings wrong, there was no moaning, she doesn't do that. Like her mother, she is silent in such things. She and I were even discussing what we were going to do this year and we just spent a load of money for the garden and planting vegetables, which I grew from seed, for us to save money on our organic veg order.

3 weeks later, she was gone and the first thing I noticed was 5 days prior, when the kiss she gave me when leaving for work didn't feel right. That week I noticed a lot. I asked is we were ok - "yes", she said. She let it slip that she had booked a week off work and when I said I didn't know that she had and she didn't mention it, she replied "I told you ages ago" - she didn't. She didn't mention it the week prior either, otherwise I would have suggested going away for a break. And I did when I found out - "I don't know what I'm doing yet", she replied. Another lie and a comment she would never have made before. On the Friday I asked if she was going to run again, "No", she said. I asked again, "No, I'm not". "Really?", I calmly asked. Then this is when she said that she was going to stay with her sister for a couple of days, to think. This was obviously a lie, as her sister has not got ANY space in her house and she didn't want to 'think'. This was just an excuse to get out of the house and walk in to the life she had previously prepared. She took no clothes or belongings, except her hairdryer, hair straighteners, the shoes on her feet and the clothes on her back, a small overnight bag to give the impression she was going for a short while (that probably contained the important documents she took) and her laptop. That was it.

This was the first I heard and that 's because I noticed that week. Prior to that everything was fine. Sharing a bed, sharing a life, holding hands indoors and out. No sex though for weeks. Planning for the future, laughing, joking (she said that's what she likes about me, I always make her laugh), talking about loads of stuff. She mentioned nothing. Honestly. I would have known.

As far as asking if it was women that mainly exhibited this trait, I didn't mean anything by it and certainly wasn't being sexist - please forgive if I offended. It's just that from what I have read, the stories and examples seem to be more angled to women. There are a few examples of men doing similar things, I agree, but it's termed WAW, not WAH, so I was just curious.

One things that I have found is "Spousal Abandonment Syndrome", where there is no indication AT ALL, that the S is going to leave and there is usually another person involved. This seems to go in line with my experience more than WAW, in as much as the way that she left, but then the rest fits into WAW fairly snuggly.

Let's talk about depression. Please be assured that over the past 10-11 years I have not been depressed at all, seriously, I haven't. Having been depressed before, which ground me down big time, I can quite categorically say that I haven't been depressed for a fair number of years. I am however, fed up with this illness and it limitations, but I am cheerful most of the time, speak to people easy, go out and mix quite readily, etc. I am happy when my wife comes home from work, {when she used to come home from work} like to hear about her day when she came home and paid her attention - maybe not enough romantic attention granted - but a hug from behind when she was doing something and a kiss on the neck, was always accepted and reacted to positively, even up to a few days before she left. An Act?

Since she has left I have had a hell of a time with high levels of anxiety. This is what you are reading I would assume. Yes, I am sad, really sad. I cannot understand (and never will probably), how this has once again happened with ABSOLUTELY NO INDICATION that there was any issue whatsoever (please believe me on this, once again, there truly wasn't).

Today I have been to see a doctor and yes he has put me on anxiety medication (that I didn't want to go on) as I cannot keep shaking in this way, not sleeping and losing this much weight this quickly. My skin has now gone saggy and dry due to the stress and amount of weight I continue to lose. I dropped half a stone the week following my wife leaving and now I have lost over a stone within 4 weeks. I look like an old person and none of my clothes fit me anymore. Furthermore, I do not have the money to buy new ones.

As far as trying to apply logic and make sense of things, yes I continue to be guilty of this. I cannot stop my brain trying to work things out, but understand that I must. I need to get myself into a mental and physical position where I can cope with this and build myself back to where I was 5 short weeks ago. I was working out, sort of, regularly, picking up martial arts again and planning out a business idea, just days before my wife walked out. I was confident and strong and now, since she is gone, I am emotionally and physically weak and my self-esteem has been shot to pieces.

She is coming round in a little over 2 weeks to collect her belongings and I need to get myself sorted as best I can by then. A big task. I shall never be able to put the weight back on by then, but I hope that I'll be able to sort out my psychology, even if I go to bits after she's left - which I probably will.

I've been out today as I couldn't face being in the house. It was the first day that I've had where I have not had to do anything urgent, or phone anybody, or have an online meeting with my lawyer. It is also the day after my lawyer sent her lawyer a letter requesting her intentions, sharing my intentions and requesting monies that were taken without agreement, to be replaced. I have been dreading this and the response that will inevitably follow. I am expecting that she is up for a divorce, just like she said she was a little over 2 weeks ago. I have heard nothing fro her in that time, despite her telling me to expect a letter from her lawyer. I spent the morning and half the afternoon in the park, went to the doctors and then the pub. I took my reading material - DR - to catch-up on the low-down and re-familiarize myself with MWD's material. All seems to be based on MR's where people haven't split, with some examples and comment of those that have. This has been my study today and I am wondering if it's all a little too late.

Please understand that it was vital that this lawyer's letter was sent and shared, as the rent on this house and my living conditions are linked to her intentions. Seeing as she is paying the rent, she has told me that she will pay it until August, however, because she hasn't started proceedings and they take time, it is apparently an unreasonable timescale and needs negotiation.

I also promised her that I would give her what she wants - Divorce - so communicated that I would honour that, without taking action on it, just asking her agreement. So the ball is in her court and I would expect that she will come back and agree that I initiate a divorce - not something that I have ever wanted, but something that I will have to do if she says that is what she wants. This will need to be done because of the property rent as the length of time that this will be paid for will be determined on the length of time proceedings take. I believe that things should be talked about and resolved, not just thrown away in the heat of the moment and without communicated due cause. But what other choice do I have, as I will have to move out of this rented accommodation and then she can never come back? This is why we have asked her intention.

I appreciate all of your input, I really so, I am a mere beginner in this and I never expected a past situation to re-occur, especially her admitting to OP and having committed adultery - a big, big shock! But she does have a trait of having affairs I suppose, as she had one with me. I should have seen it then but didn't recognise or even think that she would do the same to me a few years down the line. I did wait 8 years before I agreed to get married, to make sure we were ok and it was exactly one year after that that all this began - on out first year anniverssary. Prior to that everything was good, our sex life was great and then after we were married, it slowed significantly. It tookk 3 days to comsumate the marriage. She has never refused sex, but she seemed to prefer to read her book (kindle) in bed than to pay attention to us - this is something that I mentioned at counselling 9 years ago. When she doesn't pick up her kindle as soon as she gets in bed and wants a 'cuddle' I know that she wanted sex. This is the only time she comes for a cuddle and it always has to end in sex. Why can we just cuddle and chat and fall asleep like we used to?

So that's me.